Would that...

[Philatone]

Hey Alden! welcome to the boards


some thoughts for you on v2 (haven't looked at the 1st)

v2:

memory formed a keen apex;..."keen apex" or "a single pinhole" would be enough for me, rather than both
a single pinhole revealing
life as a constant slope toward
- or trajectory from - a moment. ...i felt like something more specific than "a moment" was coming. strikes me as more general than it has to be. interesting idea
With faint pressure,
the rich color would bleed
into firm, artful strokes. ..got a bit lost in these 3 lines. wasn't sure where this color was coming from; with the "pinhole", i'm thinking of a prick and blood ("bleed" also helps in that regard), as though it's a painful memory of sorts

Alas, ...debated about this word and how necessary it is
A blunted, crude utensil
Yet still beyond our faculty...missing period? or comma (especially if "alas" is removed
History is the work of graceless hands:
a waxy childish smudge ...this "waxy" is interesting because i'm having trouble seeing why it's here. the "wax" acoustic didn't really mesh with the rest of the lines in the stanza. "childish smudge" i like much more and has a smoother flow for me.
in calico brown.


Original
If my memory formed a keen apex,
if a single pinhole revealed
my life as a constant slope toward
or angle away from
that moment…
if, with a little pressure,
the rich color would seep out in bold lines,
I would write my history.

But there are no straight lines,
the points are jagged
and my history is a waxy childish smear
in calico brown.

a solid read; i hope some of this is helpful