07-17-2012, 02:53 PM
Hello and welcome!
I have terrible trouble critiquing short form (I'm far too verbose
) but I do like reading them. I generally consider poems like this successful if they start some thought process and allow my mind to travel in an unfamiliar direction. The first definitely sets up a situation and lets the imagination take hold -- at first I wasn't sure about "and", but I tried reading it without and it lost something of the rhythm, so it seems to belong there.
I do love the idea of a streetlight stepping over the moon, beautiful! (And any chocolate will do if the need is dire enough)
"the light that is me" is borderline cliche, or pop-song lyric at the very least, but "scattered among shadow" is a lovely image.
I'm sorry I can't be of any actual help with these, but I did enjoy them, thank you!
I have terrible trouble critiquing short form (I'm far too verbose
) but I do like reading them. I generally consider poems like this successful if they start some thought process and allow my mind to travel in an unfamiliar direction. The first definitely sets up a situation and lets the imagination take hold -- at first I wasn't sure about "and", but I tried reading it without and it lost something of the rhythm, so it seems to belong there. I do love the idea of a streetlight stepping over the moon, beautiful! (And any chocolate will do if the need is dire enough)
"the light that is me" is borderline cliche, or pop-song lyric at the very least, but "scattered among shadow" is a lovely image.
I'm sorry I can't be of any actual help with these, but I did enjoy them, thank you!
It could be worse