07-17-2012, 01:20 PM
This is strong and sharp. I really love the lines "the rich color would seep out in bold lines" and "and my history is a waxy childish smear." Those lines really reveal the mood in this poem without exaggeration or forcing it on the reader. My only suggestion are the lines:
"But there are no straight lines,
the points are jagged"
The point you were making in these two lines which I'm assuming they're your climax are understated compared to the rest of the poem, just doesn't fit to me. Also, using "but" as the first word in a new stanza doesn't make sense to me.
Other than just those two minor things, I really like the tone and how you develop the poem. Amazing job.
"But there are no straight lines,
the points are jagged"
The point you were making in these two lines which I'm assuming they're your climax are understated compared to the rest of the poem, just doesn't fit to me. Also, using "but" as the first word in a new stanza doesn't make sense to me.
Other than just those two minor things, I really like the tone and how you develop the poem. Amazing job.