07-17-2012, 12:53 PM
hey addy and billy
I appreciate both of your suggestions very much.
I also like the idea, my thought process behind it was to reveal little by little the character's pain by using "if" while tell a story about the character and have a point in the end. Through reading the feedbacks and going back over it, I need to take a different approach, a shorter not so messy approach. Billy, I read Kepling's "If" and I can understand why it's your one of your favorite poems. I chose to use IF because I had an idea in my head of an ending to a poem and IF popped in my head so I wrote it down and stuck with it throughout parts of the poem. Initially I built the poem around the end and used IF to get there. "Obsession Over If" wasn't the original title I chose for it, it was actually "If Innocence Would Have Begged Her", but I didn't want to use a line out of the poem even though that line sums up the poem itself, I wanted a title that was relatable and not predictable. I can see why IF is an inappropriate title because I didn't stick to it for the whole poem, but I didn't want to overuse it. I agree with both of you, I started out with a good idea but it wasn't executed well and that is what I expected. I needed some fresh eyes to help me improve it and make it what I want it to be because honestly I didn't know where to start with it and yet I didn't want to let it go. I do understand that it's just too much and I'll work on that when editing this.
addy you mentioned that the ending was vague and clunky but you do understand where I was going with it, any suggestions on how to improve it?
Thank you both again for reading and for your critque, it will help me a lot...I'm gonna get there with this poem one of these days.
I appreciate both of your suggestions very much.
I also like the idea, my thought process behind it was to reveal little by little the character's pain by using "if" while tell a story about the character and have a point in the end. Through reading the feedbacks and going back over it, I need to take a different approach, a shorter not so messy approach. Billy, I read Kepling's "If" and I can understand why it's your one of your favorite poems. I chose to use IF because I had an idea in my head of an ending to a poem and IF popped in my head so I wrote it down and stuck with it throughout parts of the poem. Initially I built the poem around the end and used IF to get there. "Obsession Over If" wasn't the original title I chose for it, it was actually "If Innocence Would Have Begged Her", but I didn't want to use a line out of the poem even though that line sums up the poem itself, I wanted a title that was relatable and not predictable. I can see why IF is an inappropriate title because I didn't stick to it for the whole poem, but I didn't want to overuse it. I agree with both of you, I started out with a good idea but it wasn't executed well and that is what I expected. I needed some fresh eyes to help me improve it and make it what I want it to be because honestly I didn't know where to start with it and yet I didn't want to let it go. I do understand that it's just too much and I'll work on that when editing this.
addy you mentioned that the ending was vague and clunky but you do understand where I was going with it, any suggestions on how to improve it?
Thank you both again for reading and for your critque, it will help me a lot...I'm gonna get there with this poem one of these days.