Death in China (Chinese Torture as was) edit 2.

[tectak]

Hi tectak – This is an intriguing, understated poem; but ultimately perhaps too understated, as I did wonder exactly what it was about after reading it. The explanatory note after the first version gave some clues of course, but also suggested that perhaps you hadn't expressed things wholly as intended through the poem itself.

It's written in cross-rhymed quatrains of iambic octameter, which I can't help but mentally realign as tetrameter. I think it's a good decision to use longer lines given the subject, but the way metre is utilised is a bit of an issue. The first line in particular is too regular ('too penty' as Pound said of some of Eliot's lines in The Waste Land – although maybe 'too octy' here! ) which gives the poem too jolly a rhythm – te-tum-te-tum. This is heightened by the alliteration in the second line, which adds to the lighthearted tone, along with the rhyme scheme. Such jollity seems at odds with the promised 'torture / death' of the title.

Content-wise, it's a slow opening, which isn't much of a problem in itself, although (the 'stretched light' image aside) I do think maybe some hint of what's going on wouldn't go amiss. The repetitive syntax ('The aspic air…', 'The dogs…') and the lack of enjambed lines add to the stasis of this stanza. Maybe longer, more fluid lines of free verse, possibly in the style of C.K. Williams, would be a suitable alternative. Doing so would also mean words like 'somnambulistic' could be accommodated into the poem more easily, without sticking out as much as it does at the moment.

That said, the imagery and imagination shown are compelling – the light 'stretched to ground' is fantastic, especially so given the 'torture' of the title (although this doesn't really seem to be developed in the poem); the air being held by the bamboo shoots is equally inventive and enjoyable to read; likewise 'the effort steaming in their breath'. I like what you're getting at in the final stanza as well, but it wasn't clear enough to really strike home. Have they died fighting for Peace, the poppy being a metaphor for a bullet wound? Or is it a drugs overdose? If so, then why has Peace left a poppy? (And I too was confused by the 'hessian walls'.)

I liked the mention of the heron. Although the image of 'losing its cover to circling waves' doesn't feel right. Surely it would lose its cover because it's just jabbed its beak into the water, to cause the 'circling waves'? At least, that's how I read it. (But it reminds me of a Chinese fairy tale 'The Student and the Heron', in which the student paints a heron on the wall of a bar to pay off his tab, and the heron comes alive and does a little dance! Wonderful. [Although I think it all ends in tears. Boo.])

Anyway, there are some niggling archaisms throughout the poem: 'aglow', 'opens east', 'bellies full', the personification of 'Peace', and 'a thin repast' (substituting 'for' for the semi-colon smoothes things out with the last example). And some awkward phrases: 'Each cheats close death' – four stressed syllables in a row makes for a lumpy line; then 'in cold of night' – where's the 'the'? Even so, it's a well-worn idiom. Also 'dog-barked in' (although maybe you've got an argument to say this enacts the feeling of being rudely awaken). But the punning 'breaking fast' jarred, and I tripped over 'bellies full and fulfilled'. And the rhythm falls very heavily on 'glint' at the start of line 3 (st. 2) after some slightly convoluted syntax.

Also, I wasn't sure about the phase 'light-slit orbs' when describing a Chinese man's eyes. I'm sure it's unintentional, but the use of 'slit' might be one to avoid, I'd have thought.

But, as mentioned, the imagery at the end is appealing, although I think it makes for an ambiguous ending to a rather ambiguous poem. Still, it was one I enjoyed reading. Thanks, dm.

Hot Damn! I like this crit more than the poem!!! I will give it more of a read tomorrow. Just for the record, the "torture" bit has left the building.....I never did like it. Jus read it as a sadness. Thanks for this. As I said, I'll be back.
Best,
rectak