07-16-2012, 11:42 PM
[quote='arbil_poieo' pid='99452' dateline='1342415555']
If the world had been expected,
she wouldn't have cried.
if time had a form,
she wouldn't have ignored it.aAllow me to do a stanza by stanza on this one, rather than a line by line. There is something wasted in this piece which is a pity. This opener relies to a degree upon concrete statements.....almost an exercise in Boolean algebra, IF (condition=true), THEN( output=true). The problem begins when the alternative, IF NOT, is accomodated but dismissed. (Look, this is poetry you old fool, leave it alone). Sorry, but the imbalance of the equation leaves me wanting a more substantial IF NOT than crying or ignoring. These are BIG issues. Unexpected world (not what she thought it would be?) and time with form (substance?)......I would be wailing, destitute, unconsolable then on the phone to Brian Cox.
When breathing took time
after she couldn't catch it.
exercising inhaling-exhaling
it has been settled to a notion....and this is probably what is troubling me. There are seismic shifts in important conceptions which are not being givena long enough gestation. This stanza is a premature verse. I like it so much that I want it to be perfect in every way. Could you see this as the first stanza? Naturally, with punctuation corrected and clarity enhanced in the last line.
Does it make her broken?What it? What it? Like my comment, so your line. Unnecessary contrivance. It doesn't work for me because rhetorical questions IMPLY the answer which they beg. Yes or NO both work here and so you have not yet made your arguement/point/case clear.
If obvious kept it's meaning,
she would have stayed near.
if love would of been,
she wouldn't of wanted....and I think you realised the problem in this stanza, but decided to plough on into ever more complex and strangled logic.....you end up with very fuzzy grammar. "would of" and "would not of" are not best word choices at any time but are shown up as grammatical terrorists when so close to "would have", the freedom fighter. Tighten up this by reading it aloud.....but not in a John Wayne drawl or you may think it is acceptable!
She knows her skin
enough to know
that it had been tainted
fingerprints can be evidence.Punctuation is needed
If innocence would have begged her, Tense this time. Have you given up on "had" or is this an American movie scriptafter all?
she wouldn't have left.
if faith would of had purpose,
she would have been saved.OMG......now we would have of had it all! This needs surgical procedure.
She brings hindsight
with her when she sleeps,
and when she sleeps
she dreams it.Yes to this. Insightful, clear as gin,and punctuated to near perfection. This is a functioning stanza. Worthy.
Does it make her broken?You could practically repeat all that I wrote in the first half in application to the second half
If anything would have been visible,
she wouldn't have taken her eyes off of it.
if destiny would have been friendly,
she wouldn't have been scared.
She was disavowed from the world.of or by but not from
existing upon it-she's no longer in it.
though she clasped the earth once
she stands on her toes to barely feel it.
If it just had been a thought,
would she still be thinking?
if she had truly knew it,This is just ghastly.Please read it through. Some would correct this for you as service-crit, others would gently suggest alternatives. I think you know this is very poor language use.....and you will know how to put it right
would she have known it?
She knows, she has to know
knowing is not always knowledge.
sometimes it is a place and a time
and when it happens, it is a memory.
Does this make her broken?
[/quote
End of second half and we are in injury time. I know and appreciate what you are trying to do here but like many before you, me included, you have not got the balance between structure and content right. With the best musings comes a responsibilty to rise to the challenge of getting the best out of the thought. What happens all to often is that the desire to "get it written down" is so compelling that the poetry goes out of the window. You will probably counter this crit, and so did I, with that good 'ol defence, "but I don't think structure matters"...or spelling or punctuation or whatever, and that is just fine UNTIL it does matter. .....and it maters here. Much praise for the thought (although I have read a little scrawl called "If" by another
) but this needs work.
Best,
tectak
If the world had been expected,
she wouldn't have cried.
if time had a form,
she wouldn't have ignored it.aAllow me to do a stanza by stanza on this one, rather than a line by line. There is something wasted in this piece which is a pity. This opener relies to a degree upon concrete statements.....almost an exercise in Boolean algebra, IF (condition=true), THEN( output=true). The problem begins when the alternative, IF NOT, is accomodated but dismissed. (Look, this is poetry you old fool, leave it alone). Sorry, but the imbalance of the equation leaves me wanting a more substantial IF NOT than crying or ignoring. These are BIG issues. Unexpected world (not what she thought it would be?) and time with form (substance?)......I would be wailing, destitute, unconsolable then on the phone to Brian Cox.
When breathing took time
after she couldn't catch it.
exercising inhaling-exhaling
it has been settled to a notion....and this is probably what is troubling me. There are seismic shifts in important conceptions which are not being givena long enough gestation. This stanza is a premature verse. I like it so much that I want it to be perfect in every way. Could you see this as the first stanza? Naturally, with punctuation corrected and clarity enhanced in the last line.
Does it make her broken?What it? What it? Like my comment, so your line. Unnecessary contrivance. It doesn't work for me because rhetorical questions IMPLY the answer which they beg. Yes or NO both work here and so you have not yet made your arguement/point/case clear.
If obvious kept it's meaning,
she would have stayed near.
if love would of been,
she wouldn't of wanted....and I think you realised the problem in this stanza, but decided to plough on into ever more complex and strangled logic.....you end up with very fuzzy grammar. "would of" and "would not of" are not best word choices at any time but are shown up as grammatical terrorists when so close to "would have", the freedom fighter. Tighten up this by reading it aloud.....but not in a John Wayne drawl or you may think it is acceptable!
She knows her skin
enough to know
that it had been tainted
fingerprints can be evidence.Punctuation is needed
If innocence would have begged her, Tense this time. Have you given up on "had" or is this an American movie scriptafter all?
she wouldn't have left.
if faith would of had purpose,
she would have been saved.OMG......now we would have of had it all! This needs surgical procedure.
She brings hindsight
with her when she sleeps,
and when she sleeps
she dreams it.Yes to this. Insightful, clear as gin,and punctuated to near perfection. This is a functioning stanza. Worthy.
Does it make her broken?You could practically repeat all that I wrote in the first half in application to the second half
If anything would have been visible,
she wouldn't have taken her eyes off of it.
if destiny would have been friendly,
she wouldn't have been scared.
She was disavowed from the world.of or by but not from
existing upon it-she's no longer in it.
though she clasped the earth once
she stands on her toes to barely feel it.
If it just had been a thought,
would she still be thinking?
if she had truly knew it,This is just ghastly.Please read it through. Some would correct this for you as service-crit, others would gently suggest alternatives. I think you know this is very poor language use.....and you will know how to put it right
would she have known it?
She knows, she has to know
knowing is not always knowledge.
sometimes it is a place and a time
and when it happens, it is a memory.
Does this make her broken?
[/quote
End of second half and we are in injury time. I know and appreciate what you are trying to do here but like many before you, me included, you have not got the balance between structure and content right. With the best musings comes a responsibilty to rise to the challenge of getting the best out of the thought. What happens all to often is that the desire to "get it written down" is so compelling that the poetry goes out of the window. You will probably counter this crit, and so did I, with that good 'ol defence, "but I don't think structure matters"...or spelling or punctuation or whatever, and that is just fine UNTIL it does matter. .....and it maters here. Much praise for the thought (although I have read a little scrawl called "If" by another
) but this needs work.Best,
tectak