07-16-2012, 07:40 AM
For me, the metre in line 3 seems fine. The only problem for me now is lines 7 and 8. I prefer the original. I don't like semi-colon after glint or death being mentioned in consecutive lines.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.