07-16-2012, 05:18 AM
Hi P/G - I think the new version is an improvement; and it was a good idea to split this into a poem in its own right.
One thing that caught my eye (and I can't work out if it's intentional or not, if that matters) is the patterning of half-rhymed lines. I think the third stanza drew this to my attention first - 'tell - tail - weeds - shred', then the assonantal rhyme of 'hung - thunder', the consonantal rhyme of 'grass - caressing' (or 'caressing - forgetting'), and before that you have 'sun - dust', 'lost - sunset'. I wonder if introducing a (half-)rhyme scheme is worth pursuing, making the lines a bit longer and more flexible; the voice sounds a bit more considered and thoughtful than these short lines allow.
I understand that image about the daughters being the grass's daughters now. But I'm still not keen on it! Part of this has to do with the inclusion of 'devoured', which brings Goya's 'Saturn devouring one of his sons' to mind - yikes! It feels like it's far too violent a comparison to draw for chewing grass, particularly given the measured tone of the rest of the poem. Is there an image you could use without personification?
Other points:
* Still not keen on the 'thunder' simile - how can one have a 'stroke of thunder'? - but it's your poem!
The 'tail - grass' imagery and the later simile 'cold as desert' are far more effective, I think.
* I would try to rephrase the later stanzas so you have a stanza break before 'After we found her' - that cries out to be the first line of a new stanza.
* I'm not so sure about the anaphoric repetition of 'as' in the last stanza, it's a bit distracting.
* And maybe 'where Uganda grasses | are' in the first stanza tidies up the syntax a bit; but I think you're right to delay the main clause until the end of the sentence.
Hope that helps. Cheers, dm.
One thing that caught my eye (and I can't work out if it's intentional or not, if that matters) is the patterning of half-rhymed lines. I think the third stanza drew this to my attention first - 'tell - tail - weeds - shred', then the assonantal rhyme of 'hung - thunder', the consonantal rhyme of 'grass - caressing' (or 'caressing - forgetting'), and before that you have 'sun - dust', 'lost - sunset'. I wonder if introducing a (half-)rhyme scheme is worth pursuing, making the lines a bit longer and more flexible; the voice sounds a bit more considered and thoughtful than these short lines allow.
I understand that image about the daughters being the grass's daughters now. But I'm still not keen on it! Part of this has to do with the inclusion of 'devoured', which brings Goya's 'Saturn devouring one of his sons' to mind - yikes! It feels like it's far too violent a comparison to draw for chewing grass, particularly given the measured tone of the rest of the poem. Is there an image you could use without personification?
Other points:
* Still not keen on the 'thunder' simile - how can one have a 'stroke of thunder'? - but it's your poem!
The 'tail - grass' imagery and the later simile 'cold as desert' are far more effective, I think.* I would try to rephrase the later stanzas so you have a stanza break before 'After we found her' - that cries out to be the first line of a new stanza.
* I'm not so sure about the anaphoric repetition of 'as' in the last stanza, it's a bit distracting.
* And maybe 'where Uganda grasses | are' in the first stanza tidies up the syntax a bit; but I think you're right to delay the main clause until the end of the sentence.
Hope that helps. Cheers, dm.