07-15-2012, 09:52 PM
Hi Philatone / Geoff. I'm late to this one, but I've had a quick look over the other versions. (And it reminds me I've got a poem of my own about elephants to finish off.)
Anyway, the most noticeable change to the fourth version is the change of narrative perspective. If I'm honest, I'm not sure it improves things, I'm afraid. This is being told from the point of view of a young elephant isn't it? This anthropomorphism is a bit risky, as it comes across as a bit sentimental. To the poem's credit, it doesn't labour this element; but I prefer the greater objectivity of the third-person perspective.
But as it stands, some smaller points:
* I'm not sure about the first stanza as it doesn't seem integral to the poem as its imagery is not built on, and only serves as scene-setting, therefore seems quite 'passive'. In a poem this sparse, I think everything needs to earn its place and enhance the poem.
* If you keep it, do you need 'had led' in the first line? Could it just be past tense 'Drought led us'? It just tightens things even more in what is quite a sparse poem.
* I'm not sure I like breaking 'water | hole' (lines 2-3).
* That's a really awkward stanza break between 'a flick of her || tail' which seems out of kilter with the image presented.
* I'm not sure of the simile of tusks 'hanging like strokes of thunder'. For a start, do you mean 'lightning' not 'thunder' - which my Oxford English Dictionary defines as 'a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash and due to the expansion of rapidly heated air'. But changing it to 'lightning' (which is how I interpreted it anyway) gives the problem of the transitory nature of lightning against the permanence and slow movements of the tusks. Where's the common ground between these images? Just the visual? If so, that doesn't convince me as strong enough to work effectively.
* It's probably my lack of knowledge, but I didn't understand this:
* As Leanne noted, 'to be honest' (line 1, st 6) strikes the wrong note.
* I'm sorry to see the loss of the last line 'how it hurts to forget' – I think it could work very effectively, and makes for a stronger ending. Although that said, I thought in previous versions this line just needed to be built up a bit more throughout the poem, so it sounded more like the poem's inevitable conclusion.
But overall, I'm sorry to say, I prefer the approach and narrative perspective of the other versions as I think they make for a more effective poem.
Anyway, the most noticeable change to the fourth version is the change of narrative perspective. If I'm honest, I'm not sure it improves things, I'm afraid. This is being told from the point of view of a young elephant isn't it? This anthropomorphism is a bit risky, as it comes across as a bit sentimental. To the poem's credit, it doesn't labour this element; but I prefer the greater objectivity of the third-person perspective.
But as it stands, some smaller points:
* I'm not sure about the first stanza as it doesn't seem integral to the poem as its imagery is not built on, and only serves as scene-setting, therefore seems quite 'passive'. In a poem this sparse, I think everything needs to earn its place and enhance the poem.
* If you keep it, do you need 'had led' in the first line? Could it just be past tense 'Drought led us'? It just tightens things even more in what is quite a sparse poem.
* I'm not sure I like breaking 'water | hole' (lines 2-3).
* That's a really awkward stanza break between 'a flick of her || tail' which seems out of kilter with the image presented.
* I'm not sure of the simile of tusks 'hanging like strokes of thunder'. For a start, do you mean 'lightning' not 'thunder' - which my Oxford English Dictionary defines as 'a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash and due to the expansion of rapidly heated air'. But changing it to 'lightning' (which is how I interpreted it anyway) gives the problem of the transitory nature of lightning against the permanence and slow movements of the tusks. Where's the common ground between these images? Just the visual? If so, that doesn't convince me as strong enough to work effectively.
* It's probably my lack of knowledge, but I didn't understand this:
Quote:how her missing teeth
had once devoured
its daughters—
* As Leanne noted, 'to be honest' (line 1, st 6) strikes the wrong note.
* I'm sorry to see the loss of the last line 'how it hurts to forget' – I think it could work very effectively, and makes for a stronger ending. Although that said, I thought in previous versions this line just needed to be built up a bit more throughout the poem, so it sounded more like the poem's inevitable conclusion.
But overall, I'm sorry to say, I prefer the approach and narrative perspective of the other versions as I think they make for a more effective poem.