Death in China (Chinese Torture as was) edit 2.

[tectak]

Chnese Torture? : P Are you sure.

Chinese Torture


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze. I like perfumed haze, not so sure about it being 'the still'.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. Nice alliteration.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, Sorry if I'm just being ignorant, but isn't hessian a European thing?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. I love the last part of this line.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes Beautiful image of dawn. I think it is far superior to your opening line, much more powerful.
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, The first half hits well, the second not so much, maybe because you've already mentioned dogs.
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep, yet cold enough for clear feigned death; I like this a lot, great description.
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, I do know what somnambulistic means, but I doubt most people would... It's a really medical term. And I think it could be easily replaced to make it more universally understandable. I could be wrong though!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. I really like this line, I think you could do with adding maybe a couple more images in the poem that remind us that this is China and not anywhere.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast Powerful line, great.
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I really loved this, very powerful with so much brilliant imagery. However, although I think this is a beautiful poem, and the ending carries some kind of emotion, I do think that there is a distinct lack of real insight into the subject. It feels skimmed over. I can also only just about tell it's set in China. I would change the title too - doesn't fit the content. Opium is many a thing, but certainly not torture. Torture implies pain, and opium removes it. It doesn't mean it isn't damaging, or deadly, it's just not a painful process. Unless you are withdrawing!

Thanks for this Univ. I took aon board all of your coments and whilst it may appear I did not incorporate them directly i can absoloutely confirm that the slight rewrite was influenced by your observations. This includes the title change. Somnambulist is a pretty well known word and I believe any medical connotations have been stripped away by its general usage. To be honest, the image I had was well served by the word but I agree that you DO need to know its epistemology to get the dreamy, medicated movements through that hazy, morning landscape. If I failed it is because I, like most of us, believe in our own images!
Best,
tectak

---

"The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, -- the rhyme bothers me here -- the accent doesn't fall on "ways" naturally, so to make it work I have to pronounce this awkwardly. It's also a foot short to my ear."

Suggestion

Dogs sleep between hessian walls or curl up in the stone stairways,


Dale

All taken up Dale, Edit 2 posted.
Thanks as always. The title was CRAP.
Best,
tectak

---

i'll wait for the edit seeing as everyone else has done my work for me

as for hessian, the only thing i know as hessian is cloth., woven jute etc. potato sacks and shit.

you're long lines are growing on me more and more. i think it really will be better if i wait for the edit

---

oh gosh, look, it's an effin edit already :d

---

i'm replying to this as though i never saw the original:

Chinese Torture edit 1. penguin, universal, erthona this whole line looks like it's part of the title


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. aspic, gives me an image of cooking pots
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, would 'near hessin walls' work better?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days,
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. no nits here. the internal flow trips so easy off the tongue.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; does it need a comma after touch?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast, nice word-play
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, is that 1st and needed? the latter part of the sentence is a good strong image
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. from the steaming breath, i presumed they were outside, now i'm not sure if they're in or out?

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin. excellent
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. for me it should have ended at come,


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I'm not sure the title does it justice. i thought the thing almost excellent. it reads as a narrative of someone who is in the snap shot. the feel of the den is large as is the reason people would go there. not overpowering but it does feel honest. which makes it a keep for me.
i think it still needs a small edit but nothing to great.

thanks for the read.

Hi billy,
Thanks for your words. I am stuck, I'm afraid, with the long lines. It really does make rhyming verse much easier as you can change direction WITHIN the line to increase your word choice at line end. That's why I do it!
Best,
tectak

---

I'm going to ignore hessian -- that's what I'd call it anyway, and it didn't stand out as unusual to me. I don't think using the exact word the Chinese would use is of any benefit, since it's most likely a word in one of the Chinese languages! China's closer to Australia than to the UK or USA, so I choose to believe they'd take our word over yours :p

At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. -- love "aspic air", but I wonder why you've got this formatted as a sentence -- personally I'd have punctuated this line and the preceding one with commas.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, -- the rhyme bothers me here -- the accent doesn't fall on "ways" naturally, so to make it work I have to pronounce this awkwardly. It's also a foot short to my ear.
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. -- this line is lovely

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, -- this sounds short, I'd put "are" instead of the comma after "men"
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. -- the images in this stanza are very sensual, they're genuinely warming

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; -- meter's off here just a tad, I have to emphasise "to" instead of "cold" -- what about "But some remain, in dreamless sleep and cold to touch as feigning death"?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, -- I really like "somnambulistic", kudos for getting it to fit the meter!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest. -- "one" and then "their" is odd
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. -- I'd hyphenate "begged-for"

hi leanne,
all good stuff and I am glad of it. Edit2 up with much of your suggestions incorporated. The comma/are Sin S2 would not work with the "are" as I wanted the men to be woken not the orbs. That is all. You are still right about the half-footedness. I will look again.
Best,
tectak