07-15-2012, 01:53 AM
Hi Penguin. I think there's a very good poem lurking in here. I didn't read the first version, so can't comment on how it's been improved, but I think some further editing would improve things even more. It's certainly a better poem than is promised by the clichéd title, so I think you should consider changing that.
For me, the poem begins with the second stanza. It sounds brutal, but I'd cut the first stanza all together. Like others, I found myself too caught up with questioning the phraseology and imagery (why break the first line at 'since' and not the more effective 'bodies'? How can one 'scrape off sins'? – that's too abstract. Is describing the face of a dead person as 'lifeless' necessary? etc…)
I'm reminded of some advice I was given by a published poet when he questioned something I'd written which he said didn't sound right. I argued that what I'd written was what happened. 'Just because it's true or actually happened, doesn't mean it should be in a poem' he said, before reminding me that 'poem' means 'a thing made'. Is the first stanza benefitting the poem, or have you included it more because you wanted to?
'Talking is easier' makes for a great opening line, and is strong enough to stand on its own without the first stanza. For me, it says so much in so few words; communicates without necessarily being specifically understood. Which all sounds like poetry to me. And the tone, language and imagery of this stanza I found to be spot-on. I'm reminded of Hugo Williams's crystal-clear style here (particularly with the adverb 'heartily', which is perhaps the only thing helped by the first stanza as it picks up the body imagery; without it, it is a bit weaker).
However, it's a strong voice – a voice I'm willing to listen to; and you can hear a touch of unspoken wistfulness, so I feel things are going to get darker. I think the weaker points in the poem – particularly in the last stanza – are weaker because they move away from this voice and become too emotional.
Some smaller issues:
* I'd watch the 'ears' image – how do ears 'absorb smoke'? But I loved the line about 'stealing secrets'.
* I found 'unwanted items of furniture' a bit too prosaic, but enjoyed the notion of their 'rehabilitation'. Just 'unwanted furniture'?
* I'm not keen on 'this antiquated listening device' as an appositional phrase for the plant – it's a bit too cheesy, if you'll excuse the pun (it sounds like a cheese plant to me, at any rate).
* I wasn't sure of all the Capital Letters in the third stanza – are they all proper nouns, or can you do without them?
* Exclamation marks are always hard in poetry (unless you're Daljit Nagra!!!) so I'd drop the one in the fourth stanza.
Stanzas 4 and 5 get a bit slack for me, and I think you need to be careful that emotions don't take precedence over the poetry of this section. I know that's hard to do if this is based on experience, but I found phrases like 'hardly hanging offences', and 'don't get out much' too colloquial, and lacking the control evident in the second stanza.
In the last stanza, I really think you need to remove all the references to 'purple' and find another way around this. It comes across as bathetic, and that's not good given the subject. Revisit stanza two and try to describe this in the same voice – quiet, calm, considered, mature; not prone to cranking up the rhetoric to wring out emotion – the emotion will be there anyway given the subject, just have a bit more confidence in your writing that it will be expressed without having to be so direct. Let the reader do the emoting, as it were. If you can achieve that, then you'll have a far stronger poem on your hands. It might not be easy if this is something written from experience, but this might be one you need to lay aside for some time and revisit later, rather than hurriedly revise for the forum.
Hope that helps in some way. Cheers, dm.
For me, the poem begins with the second stanza. It sounds brutal, but I'd cut the first stanza all together. Like others, I found myself too caught up with questioning the phraseology and imagery (why break the first line at 'since' and not the more effective 'bodies'? How can one 'scrape off sins'? – that's too abstract. Is describing the face of a dead person as 'lifeless' necessary? etc…)
I'm reminded of some advice I was given by a published poet when he questioned something I'd written which he said didn't sound right. I argued that what I'd written was what happened. 'Just because it's true or actually happened, doesn't mean it should be in a poem' he said, before reminding me that 'poem' means 'a thing made'. Is the first stanza benefitting the poem, or have you included it more because you wanted to?
'Talking is easier' makes for a great opening line, and is strong enough to stand on its own without the first stanza. For me, it says so much in so few words; communicates without necessarily being specifically understood. Which all sounds like poetry to me. And the tone, language and imagery of this stanza I found to be spot-on. I'm reminded of Hugo Williams's crystal-clear style here (particularly with the adverb 'heartily', which is perhaps the only thing helped by the first stanza as it picks up the body imagery; without it, it is a bit weaker).
However, it's a strong voice – a voice I'm willing to listen to; and you can hear a touch of unspoken wistfulness, so I feel things are going to get darker. I think the weaker points in the poem – particularly in the last stanza – are weaker because they move away from this voice and become too emotional.
Some smaller issues:
* I'd watch the 'ears' image – how do ears 'absorb smoke'? But I loved the line about 'stealing secrets'.
* I found 'unwanted items of furniture' a bit too prosaic, but enjoyed the notion of their 'rehabilitation'. Just 'unwanted furniture'?
* I'm not keen on 'this antiquated listening device' as an appositional phrase for the plant – it's a bit too cheesy, if you'll excuse the pun (it sounds like a cheese plant to me, at any rate).
* I wasn't sure of all the Capital Letters in the third stanza – are they all proper nouns, or can you do without them?
* Exclamation marks are always hard in poetry (unless you're Daljit Nagra!!!) so I'd drop the one in the fourth stanza.
Stanzas 4 and 5 get a bit slack for me, and I think you need to be careful that emotions don't take precedence over the poetry of this section. I know that's hard to do if this is based on experience, but I found phrases like 'hardly hanging offences', and 'don't get out much' too colloquial, and lacking the control evident in the second stanza.
In the last stanza, I really think you need to remove all the references to 'purple' and find another way around this. It comes across as bathetic, and that's not good given the subject. Revisit stanza two and try to describe this in the same voice – quiet, calm, considered, mature; not prone to cranking up the rhetoric to wring out emotion – the emotion will be there anyway given the subject, just have a bit more confidence in your writing that it will be expressed without having to be so direct. Let the reader do the emoting, as it were. If you can achieve that, then you'll have a far stronger poem on your hands. It might not be easy if this is something written from experience, but this might be one you need to lay aside for some time and revisit later, rather than hurriedly revise for the forum.
Hope that helps in some way. Cheers, dm.