07-14-2012, 11:13 AM
Hey TC, glad to see you.
I can't say I am enamored of concrete poetry, but the image is very obviously a tree with it's roots below ground (or an upside down tree). With the ground beginning with
"It blows my broken leaves down to"
As it is concrete poetry, it is difficult to recommend changes as it generally effects the visual shape. However you could be consistent with your use of capitols. Some times you use them at the start of a line, and sometimes not.
I'll pick on one thing (I'll leave "core" alone as it has already been picked on and picked over
)
This phrase
"The thoughts that transcend Feelings into my core, For Sore with disease, I am "
I would rephrase as
There are thoughts that transcend the feelings at my core; for Sore with disease I am.
(or possibly "the feelings that solidify my core".)
A clearer phrasing is needed as you are setting up a duality between thoughts and feelings as though they are at war and need clear definition if this is to make sense.
To state "transcend ________ into". You cannot transcend into, when into means towards inner. Inner implies down, from the surface inward. Transcend means to "rise above or go beyond".
Maybe overpower would be a better word choice.
Thoughts overpower the feelings at my core. That would mean that you are having doubts about your idea of you, or the world. It would basically mean your faith is shaken. I don't know if that is what you are meaning to say, but that is generally the situation from which anxiety arises. which is also why I think you used "core" as in core values/ or core ideas are being threatened. I mean that is usually how it happens. We encounter an idea that makes sense, but it contradicts one of our basic assumptions about the world, or we are rejected by someone we are in love with, and it shakes our self image, or as some would say, our confidence.
Anyway, I do like the overall image, especially the "toadstools of you", I just think you need more clarity in the overall expression. As someone mentioned, you might just drop the visual aspect for the moment and work on the poem so you are not hindered by the shape problem. I think this idea is good enough that it will stand quite well without resorting to concrete poetry.
That's my take. Glad you dropped by, hope you stay around. You also might try putting things in mild critique if you don't want such aggressive criticism
Glad to see you,
Dale
I can't say I am enamored of concrete poetry, but the image is very obviously a tree with it's roots below ground (or an upside down tree). With the ground beginning with
"It blows my broken leaves down to"
As it is concrete poetry, it is difficult to recommend changes as it generally effects the visual shape. However you could be consistent with your use of capitols. Some times you use them at the start of a line, and sometimes not.
I'll pick on one thing (I'll leave "core" alone as it has already been picked on and picked over
)This phrase
"The thoughts that transcend Feelings into my core, For Sore with disease, I am "
I would rephrase as
There are thoughts that transcend the feelings at my core; for Sore with disease I am.
(or possibly "the feelings that solidify my core".)
A clearer phrasing is needed as you are setting up a duality between thoughts and feelings as though they are at war and need clear definition if this is to make sense.
To state "transcend ________ into". You cannot transcend into, when into means towards inner. Inner implies down, from the surface inward. Transcend means to "rise above or go beyond".
Maybe overpower would be a better word choice.
Thoughts overpower the feelings at my core. That would mean that you are having doubts about your idea of you, or the world. It would basically mean your faith is shaken. I don't know if that is what you are meaning to say, but that is generally the situation from which anxiety arises. which is also why I think you used "core" as in core values/ or core ideas are being threatened. I mean that is usually how it happens. We encounter an idea that makes sense, but it contradicts one of our basic assumptions about the world, or we are rejected by someone we are in love with, and it shakes our self image, or as some would say, our confidence.
Anyway, I do like the overall image, especially the "toadstools of you", I just think you need more clarity in the overall expression. As someone mentioned, you might just drop the visual aspect for the moment and work on the poem so you are not hindered by the shape problem. I think this idea is good enough that it will stand quite well without resorting to concrete poetry.
That's my take. Glad you dropped by, hope you stay around. You also might try putting things in mild critique if you don't want such aggressive criticism
Glad to see you,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.