07-14-2012, 10:33 AM
At first I didn't understand the repetition but then I read it over again and I like it, it's nicely done. I like the pauses, I kinda had to read it out loud and to me the most of the pauses are just as strong as the words.
"for your birthday
-you said, a box of blood:
just a little
thoughtful-you said
for you
brought you: little"
It kinda doesn't sound right to me, maybe there are too many pauses in it that aren't necessary
My other concern is using the word "anyways" this is just my preference but I don't like the word "anyways" and I think it takes away from the poem, it's distracting to me.
I don't know if this was on purpose but I noticed that you've been repeating "boxes" meaning plural but then in a couple of lines you put "box" I might be thinking too much about it so I was wondering if you meant to do that or what.
I think you nailed the ending, just those 2 lines and the pause was strong enough to have it stand alone, it's probably not everyones cup of tea but I really appreciate it.
The other thing that I really like is that it isn't so obvious, this concept and format is new to me and I think that's what attracted me to it in the first place, it takes a lot of reading to actually understand it and I don't think I even completely understand it, but it's so appealing that you want to reread it.
This was a fun read, I learned a new style from this and I like the simple casual words you used.
"for your birthday
-you said, a box of blood:
just a little
thoughtful-you said
for you
brought you: little"
It kinda doesn't sound right to me, maybe there are too many pauses in it that aren't necessary
My other concern is using the word "anyways" this is just my preference but I don't like the word "anyways" and I think it takes away from the poem, it's distracting to me.
I don't know if this was on purpose but I noticed that you've been repeating "boxes" meaning plural but then in a couple of lines you put "box" I might be thinking too much about it so I was wondering if you meant to do that or what.
I think you nailed the ending, just those 2 lines and the pause was strong enough to have it stand alone, it's probably not everyones cup of tea but I really appreciate it.
The other thing that I really like is that it isn't so obvious, this concept and format is new to me and I think that's what attracted me to it in the first place, it takes a lot of reading to actually understand it and I don't think I even completely understand it, but it's so appealing that you want to reread it.
This was a fun read, I learned a new style from this and I like the simple casual words you used.