07-14-2012, 03:38 AM
hey way!
for a short piece, "dream" appears at last 4 times (and that is not including the title). at some point, enough has to be enough. may want to check and make sure the word is always needed, can be scratched, or if a new phrasing can be found
right now, the poem feels a bit wordier than it had to be. i think it has a good start; perhaps shorter lines or even some kind of meter would be good (to capture a sense of being lulled to sleep)
(07-11-2012, 09:37 PM)way2epic4me Wrote: Dare not sleepmy general thoughts (take what you will)
For to enter the realms of dreams unguided
The soul of the wanderer may be lost
Dreaming for eternity, even when awake
Oh, how I wish to wander through the age of dreams
To follow the footsteps of fate
To find a path
A path framed by fields of silver wheat
I know not where this path goes
But where it ends...a bit direct in expression. this line and line above could be altered and combined
I must take care
Not to lose my soul...this idea you already described in the third line
Or be driven mad
By days of night and nights of day
For this is a dream
for a short piece, "dream" appears at last 4 times (and that is not including the title). at some point, enough has to be enough. may want to check and make sure the word is always needed, can be scratched, or if a new phrasing can be found
right now, the poem feels a bit wordier than it had to be. i think it has a good start; perhaps shorter lines or even some kind of meter would be good (to capture a sense of being lulled to sleep)
Written only for you to consider.