07-14-2012, 01:23 AM
A nicely crafted piece, Erthona; reminds me of early Yeats. The ballad form seems appropriately chosen for the subject: simple, but effective. I particularly enjoyed stanza 2. Perhaps starting each line with a capital letter would also work. (I also hear – wholly unintentional, I'm sure – Eliot's 'Prufrock' in this: 'Let us go then, you and I'; and the 'Let us talk' reminds me of the women 'talking of Michelangelo'.)
Anyway, just a few minor suggestions / observations: Why do change the spelling of 'Fingal' half way through? (The first two are 'Fingal'; but 'Fingul' thereafter.)
I found line 2 a bit ambiguous for such an otherwise simple poem; perhaps swapping lines 2 and 3 would work, with a bit more clarity to the present line 2. I'm not sure if it means that the children haven't visited in a year (but it feels to them like a day); or that a day feels like a year while they're playing there; or that a human year is like a day to the ancient cave. It kind of works as it stands, but it slowed me down a lot while I tried to work out which meaning was intended.
I wonder if you need the repetition of 'and while away' at the end of each stanza, or if you could just end with a short line, eg. on the first 'while away' (stanza 1); or 'Fingal's cave' (stanzas 2 and 3); but maybe keep the repetition in the last stanza, Robert Frost-like?
I agree that something more visual or tactile would improve things. How can you have a poem about Fingal's cave and not mention the weird rock formations?
Perhaps (this is a bit radical, but hear me out) cutting stanza 3 and inserting a new stanza 2 with more sensory imagery – kids at play, the gritty rocks in scrabbling hands and feet, the constant wash of the sea, the sense of awe or fear, all that sort of thing – would work, without having to extend the poem.
I found the first two lines in the fourth stanza a bit bumpy as well. I wonder if something like this helps smooth them out:
And if our friends ask where we play,
tell them all we're with the Fey,
And perhaps just 'And frighten off' rather than 'frightening off' (line 2, stanza 3) would work (deleting the comma after 'again' at the end of the previous line as well).
All that said, it's an enjoyable piece regardless, Erthona. Thanks, dm.
Anyway, just a few minor suggestions / observations: Why do change the spelling of 'Fingal' half way through? (The first two are 'Fingal'; but 'Fingul' thereafter.)
I found line 2 a bit ambiguous for such an otherwise simple poem; perhaps swapping lines 2 and 3 would work, with a bit more clarity to the present line 2. I'm not sure if it means that the children haven't visited in a year (but it feels to them like a day); or that a day feels like a year while they're playing there; or that a human year is like a day to the ancient cave. It kind of works as it stands, but it slowed me down a lot while I tried to work out which meaning was intended.
I wonder if you need the repetition of 'and while away' at the end of each stanza, or if you could just end with a short line, eg. on the first 'while away' (stanza 1); or 'Fingal's cave' (stanzas 2 and 3); but maybe keep the repetition in the last stanza, Robert Frost-like?
I agree that something more visual or tactile would improve things. How can you have a poem about Fingal's cave and not mention the weird rock formations?
Perhaps (this is a bit radical, but hear me out) cutting stanza 3 and inserting a new stanza 2 with more sensory imagery – kids at play, the gritty rocks in scrabbling hands and feet, the constant wash of the sea, the sense of awe or fear, all that sort of thing – would work, without having to extend the poem.I found the first two lines in the fourth stanza a bit bumpy as well. I wonder if something like this helps smooth them out:
And if our friends ask where we play,
tell them all we're with the Fey,
And perhaps just 'And frighten off' rather than 'frightening off' (line 2, stanza 3) would work (deleting the comma after 'again' at the end of the previous line as well).
All that said, it's an enjoyable piece regardless, Erthona. Thanks, dm.