The Anxiety Tree. *First ever poem posted

[Timmycom]

do you mean 'ever here' or 'ever ever' if it's the latter then i'm impressed

Anxious are my roots;
The thoughts that transcend The trouble with having caps to start every line is that i see this line as needing a period,
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease, for feels redundant
I am Infected
By the spores that i'd suggest moving up 'float' to end this line
Float callously in and 'the wind' to this line
the wind,
your wind;
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor
-Cascading down through my branches i'd suggest removing down and moving this and the next line under 'It blows my broken leaves' and removing 'down to' from that line. (just a suggestion)
Until they can fall
No more.

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

great to see your 1st poem.

i'm not sure the centre align does it any good. it does read just as well, left justified. the enjambment in an odd place or two felt a bit off but other than that i enjoyed the read, and the 1st line really sets the poem up for the rest of the extended metaphor. i got stuck a bit on the toadstool line but thats probably my fault.

thanks for the read.

The centre align is really just to try and help aid the shape of a tree in your mind. That was my aim anyway. I am glad you agree that the first line sets up the poem, and I thank you for your comments - Seriously there's a lot to think about now.

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Anxious are my roots;no rhyme scheme so why not "my roots are anxious"though less archaic still not any more sensible"
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease,transcend is the wrong word use.Transfer or transport?Metaphor lost already. Why core?
I am Infected
By the spores that
Float callously incallously is not an attribute of the floating spore. incorrect word again
the wind,
your wind;Big no to this comical relief
It blows my broken leaves down tometaphor returned but next line is utterly confused...metaphorically, mycologically and informatively
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor health is affected not infected. Wrong word use
-Cascading down through my branches
Until they can fall
No more.

a weak and abrupt ending. I was expecting the cry of "Timber!!! at the very least.

Hi timmy.
As you can tell, I was not best pleased with this effort. You are bursting with the pressure of poetry but have not got the necessary controls in place. First off, check your word use. Forget about the form, that will come. You must become confident in what you are trying to say.....both by choice of words and ipso facto, by the relationship between words. You began with a visually strong metaphor which CAN work....but you must commit to it accurately. One example is the use of "core". A missed opportunity...a tree has heart(wood) not core wood.
Overall, the piece is not tight. Excessive growth needs pruningeg. look at the title."Ever" is redundant. Lose it.
I will look forward to your edit.
Best,
tectak

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

You're comments are fair, Thanks.