The Anxiety Tree. *First ever poem posted

[tectak]

Anxious are my roots;no rhyme scheme so why not "my roots are anxious"though less archaic still not any more sensible"
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease,transcend is the wrong word use.Transfer or transport?Metaphor lost already. Why core?
I am Infected
By the spores that
Float callously incallously is not an attribute of the floating spore. incorrect word again
the wind,
your wind;Big no to this comical relief
It blows my broken leaves down tometaphor returned but next line is utterly confused...metaphorically, mycologically and informatively
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor health is affected not infected. Wrong word use
-Cascading down through my branches
Until they can fall
No more.

a weak and abrupt ending. I was expecting the cry of "Timber!!! at the very least.

Hi timmy.
As you can tell, I was not best pleased with this effort. You are bursting with the pressure of poetry but have not got the necessary controls in place. First off, check your word use. Forget about the form, that will come. You must become confident in what you are trying to say.....both by choice of words and ipso facto, by the relationship between words. You began with a visually strong metaphor which CAN work....but you must commit to it accurately. One example is the use of "core". A missed opportunity...a tree has heart(wood) not core wood.
Overall, the piece is not tight. Excessive growth needs pruningeg. look at the title."Ever" is redundant. Lose it.
I will look forward to your edit.
Best,
tectak

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.