Future Beach

[Philatone]

It is meant to have an almost advertisement-like undertone to it. Maybe I should make that more obvious, because clearly it isn't being understood as a purposeful choice of language. The S2L2 line is just supporting the image of the brown sea, it isn't an image on it's own. It's just simply stating that the sea is brown because of human waste (toxic and sewage and rubbish tipping), because of human indifference. I can see what you mean about using a similie or metaphor for the brown sea, though. If I can think of something, I will. Have you any suggestions maybe?

The romantic walk is meant to be based on cliche... Again it's the advertising undertone. I really thought it was noticably intentional, bummer. I guess that shows that what the poets perception is can be hugely different to the audience. I will try and weave in more of the "advertising language" so it becomes more obvious. You make a good point about the girl not speaking to anyone, I will cut that out in the edit.

I entirely get a sense of advertising and irony from this; if anything, it may come off too strongly. i understand how you use traditional, cliche phrases that advertisers would use, but only saying them with a bit of sarcasm doesn't strike me as being strong enough to use it in a piece. otherwise, the line comes and goes without much of my attention.

perhaps the amount of details in here becomes a burden. your desired effect is achieved, but i think it comes at a relatively high price.


with regards to the "brown", maybe comparing the water to something brown that people waste, like tossed apple cores or food in a sinktrap. the choices are endless!