07-13-2012, 10:54 AM
I'd either go with no punctuation at all or complete punctuation. (so as not to confuse the reader) that said i can't see the harm in an apostrophe or three 
i do think you could cut a fair bit away without harming the poem. i never noticed any problem with the punctuation. you do have some cliche in there that would love a change i have to say, it felt honest. i'm glad you didn't go the way of the cliched cutter poets. and that it was made from an observers POV.
the last stanza could be tidied up in to a really good end.
thank for the read.
(07-12-2012, 07:11 AM)Universalchild Wrote: Not so sure on the title. I wanted it to sound like it might be a romantic poem, but I think it just sounds too obvious.it's mild crit so thats about it in the body
This is more experimental stuff - trying with a bit o' the old free-verse. Tried a total lack of punctuation save for using apostrophes because I couldn't bear to leave them out... Should I? Does it ruin the effect? It's a bit long too.
It's kind of difficult expressing a story like this. This is a real story, it happened to someone I am close to. I hope I did it some justice.
---------
remember her
her sad jaded guise
faded laughter
dulled visage
fragile tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone
forever
behind smokey mirrors
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass
nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whisperedi like these two lines and get that she's speaking through an action as opposed to a vocal sound
that she was broken by years
of being alone this is the best of the 1st three stanza. no nits as such
couldn't bear her own reflection
tried to hide from herself
but to everyone else
invisible
she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die use quotes or italics or separate the line...or any combination in order to make it stand out
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite
underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate
isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits
she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed
they found her huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered and swollen
she finally found company
in the form of little black flies
who swarm lovingly around her smile
her hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen
i do think you could cut a fair bit away without harming the poem. i never noticed any problem with the punctuation. you do have some cliche in there that would love a change
i have to say, it felt honest. i'm glad you didn't go the way of the cliched cutter poets. and that it was made from an observers POV.the last stanza could be tidied up in to a really good end.
thank for the read.