07-13-2012, 05:14 AM
Hello Phaedra. First off, I like this better than your other poems. It feels more authentic and if each of us has a mode of writing that best suits us then maybe this is yours.
I don't know if a lack of punctuation disbars question marks. If it didn't, ought there to be one at the end of the first line? I guess that's why we use punctuation! I like the 1st verse - you could maybe lose"anyone".
smokey mirrors - it's a bit naff and done before. Besides, isn't it smoky?
You might want to think about whether someone can both whisper and be unspoken.
Maybe "and to everyone else/ invisible"?
As you say, it's quite long. The next few verses could be made more compact.
she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself
they found her huddled
blistered and swollen
a company of black flies swarming
around her smile
her hollow eyes
stare blankly
frozen
Sorry if I've taken too many liberties.
I don't know if a lack of punctuation disbars question marks. If it didn't, ought there to be one at the end of the first line? I guess that's why we use punctuation! I like the 1st verse - you could maybe lose"anyone".
smokey mirrors - it's a bit naff and done before. Besides, isn't it smoky?
You might want to think about whether someone can both whisper and be unspoken.
Maybe "and to everyone else/ invisible"?
As you say, it's quite long. The next few verses could be made more compact.
she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself
they found her huddled
blistered and swollen
a company of black flies swarming
around her smile
her hollow eyes
stare blankly
frozen
Sorry if I've taken too many liberties.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.