Death in China (Chinese Torture as was) edit 2.

[billy]

i'll wait for the edit seeing as everyone else has done my work for me

as for hessian, the only thing i know as hessian is cloth., woven jute etc. potato sacks and shit.

you're long lines are growing on me more and more. i think it really will be better if i wait for the edit

---

oh gosh, look, it's an effin edit already :d

---

i'm replying to this as though i never saw the original:

Chinese Torture edit 1. penguin, universal, erthona this whole line looks like it's part of the title


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. aspic, gives me an image of cooking pots
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, would 'near hessin walls' work better?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days,
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. no nits here. the internal flow trips so easy off the tongue.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; does it need a comma after touch?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast, nice word-play
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, is that 1st and needed? the latter part of the sentence is a good strong image
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. from the steaming breath, i presumed they were outside, now i'm not sure if they're in or out?

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin. excellent
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. for me it should have ended at come,


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I'm not sure the title does it justice. i thought the thing almost excellent. it reads as a narrative of someone who is in the snap shot. the feel of the den is large as is the reason people would go there. not overpowering but it does feel honest. which makes it a keep for me.
i think it still needs a small edit but nothing to great.

thanks for the read.