07-12-2012, 04:27 AM
(05-21-2012, 07:05 PM)Erthona Wrote: Here is a re-write of this poem. I tried to address various problematic areas that were pointed out. Daleyes yes yes to this. I like it very much. The edits have made this a poem for everyman (and leanne if she gets sexist) and it will be pinned up in my khasi....even without effluence
v2
...breath’s emanations echo a sigh;
angels circle corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls on me;
I know my own mortality:
for broken is life’s seal
when a poem is real.
v 1
...harsh effluence still sounds a sigh;
angels circle round the corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls over me,
I know my own mortality,
then broken is the seal,
when a poem is real.

best,
tectak
(05-21-2012, 07:05 PM)Erthona Wrote: Here is a re-write of this poem. I tried to address various problematic areas that were pointed out. Daleyes yes yes to this. I like it very much. The edits have made this a poem for everyman (and leanne if she gets sexist) and it will be pinned up in my khasi....even without effluence
v2
...breath’s emanations echo a sigh;
angels circle corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls on me;
I know my own mortality:
for broken is life’s seal
when a poem is real
v 1
...harsh effluence still sounds a sigh;
angels circle round the corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls over me,
I know my own mortality,
then broken is the seal,
when a poem is real.

best,
tectak

