07-12-2012, 02:17 AM
Geoff,
For me the intro is confusing:
Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers
photographs of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.
There is really nothing to indicate that this is a memory we are talking about (yes I know the title). But mainly I don't get the need for the use of terms like drawers and photographs. Why not
Behind maps to water holes,
one matron keeps (safely locked in memory)
the images of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.
Plus I am unclear about the "bone" part. Is this in reference to her mother's bones? Then shouldn't it bones? And aren't the bones silent as well as the ivory (hopefully you are not attempting a pun here. Well, it would need to be ivories anyway). Considering you focus on the tusks from here on, I'm not sure you even need to mention "bone".
In this:
To a calf, those tusks had hung
overhead like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud of grey,
stiffen(ing) into marble headstones
at (her) grave.
Aren't tusks generally white? I don't get the usage of grey.
I think you should make that a stanza and avoid the enjambment as it really doesn't do anything for the poem.
I like this idea, I just don't understand why you are being so coy with it.
Sorry, a bit rushed.
Dale
For me the intro is confusing:
Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers
photographs of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.
There is really nothing to indicate that this is a memory we are talking about (yes I know the title). But mainly I don't get the need for the use of terms like drawers and photographs. Why not
Behind maps to water holes,
one matron keeps (safely locked in memory)
the images of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.
Plus I am unclear about the "bone" part. Is this in reference to her mother's bones? Then shouldn't it bones? And aren't the bones silent as well as the ivory (hopefully you are not attempting a pun here. Well, it would need to be ivories anyway). Considering you focus on the tusks from here on, I'm not sure you even need to mention "bone".
In this:
To a calf, those tusks had hung
overhead like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud of grey,
stiffen(ing) into marble headstones
at (her) grave.
Aren't tusks generally white? I don't get the usage of grey.
I think you should make that a stanza and avoid the enjambment as it really doesn't do anything for the poem.
I like this idea, I just don't understand why you are being so coy with it.
Sorry, a bit rushed.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.