Death in China (Chinese Torture as was) edit 2.

[tectak]

Chnese Torture? : P Are you sure.

Chinese Torture


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze. I like perfumed haze, not so sure about it being 'the still'.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. Nice alliteration.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, Sorry if I'm just being ignorant, but isn't hessian a European thing?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. I love the last part of this line.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes Beautiful image of dawn. I think it is far superior to your opening line, much more powerful.
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, The first half hits well, the second not so much, maybe because you've already mentioned dogs.
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep, yet cold enough for clear feigned death; I like this a lot, great description.
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, I do know what somnambulistic means, but I doubt most people would... It's a really medical term. And I think it could be easily replaced to make it more universally understandable. I could be wrong though!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. I really like this line, I think you could do with adding maybe a couple more images in the poem that remind us that this is China and not anywhere.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast Powerful line, great.
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I really loved this, very powerful with so much brilliant imagery. However, although I think this is a beautiful poem, and the ending carries some kind of emotion, I do think that there is a distinct lack of real insight into the subject. It feels skimmed over. I can also only just about tell it's set in China. I would change the title too - doesn't fit the content. Opium is many a thing, but certainly not torture. Torture implies pain, and opium removes it. It doesn't mean it isn't damaging, or deadly, it's just not a painful process. Unless you are withdrawing!

Poor excuse but yes, you are quite correct. It was skimmed over as I was under the cosh to go shopping! I should have stuck it in mild as it is just not good enough for seious crit. My single defence notwithstanding, the title is a reference to the torture which rural China is living through.....and the concommitant increase (and falling back into the old ways) in opium use. There has been more than one comment about "hessian" which may well be a european (?) word but it will google out as a major commodity in China. Maybe jute would be better.......its just sack cloth to me.
Title spelling mistake due to fat fingers.
All will be taken up...thanks again.
Best,
tectak

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It do.

"hessian"? Don't know about that. Seems at odds.

Dale

Hi Dale,
Do it?
Hessian big in China. Google. Sackcloth to me....jute to you.
This needs work.
Best,
tectak

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I see you're quite a fan of the long line, there's a good rhythm to this. I wonder about the title as well. The torture part, does the poem justify it?

its secret lost to circling waves. - beyond the necessary rhyme I'm not sure what this adds.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes how right you are. Yoda gold would cause me to go apoplectic if you wrote it! The "oe'r" was just to keep the scan. Needs a rewrite:D

I baulked at the old-fashioned formulation of "As gold becomes" and "o'er" - I'd prefer "on". If all the poem were in similar style it wouldn't stick out so much.

Do you need any punctuation after "stirring hopes"? Yep. I think so....the way I am reading it

yet cold enough for clear feigned death - really? You mean a clearly feigned death? I don't understand that!A cock up here. I lost myself as rushed by wife in need of shopping fix.Perhaps "well" or "near" instead of "clear". Major restructure here

I like the last line of the 3rd verse verse very much but I can't really square somnambulistic gait with steaming effort. Personal. I once watched a CCTV video of a police raid in Chinatown, London. About twenty individuals stumbled out of the place half asleep and tried to make their escape. The coldness of the air and the effort involved in moving caused a whole head of steam/smoke to follow them like a wraith. I never forgot the image but was not told until several years later that the raid was on an opium den and was a regular event!

I think you've omitted "who" in the last line.help....not sure where. is it a Paris in the the spring thing?

Thanks all for this. Should not have rushed it. Maybe better in mild but you get the truth on a plate in serious.
Best,
tectak