07-11-2012, 09:53 PM
I see you're quite a fan of the long line, there's a good rhythm to this. I wonder about the title as well. The torture part, does the poem justify it?
its secret lost to circling waves. - beyond the necessary rhyme I'm not sure what this adds.
As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes
I baulked at the old-fashioned formulation of "As gold becomes" and "o'er" - I'd prefer "on". If all the poem were in similar style it wouldn't stick out so much.
Do you need any punctuation after "stirring hopes"?
yet cold enough for clear feigned death - really? You mean a clearly feigned death? I don't understand that!
I like the last line of the 3rd verse verse very much but I can't really square somnambulistic gait with steaming effort.
I think you've omitted "who" in the last line.
its secret lost to circling waves. - beyond the necessary rhyme I'm not sure what this adds.
As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes
I baulked at the old-fashioned formulation of "As gold becomes" and "o'er" - I'd prefer "on". If all the poem were in similar style it wouldn't stick out so much.
Do you need any punctuation after "stirring hopes"?
yet cold enough for clear feigned death - really? You mean a clearly feigned death? I don't understand that!
I like the last line of the 3rd verse verse very much but I can't really square somnambulistic gait with steaming effort.
I think you've omitted "who" in the last line.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.