07-11-2012, 08:27 PM
I really liked that 1st verse before!
keeps locked in drawers - sounds a bit ugly somehow to me. keeps in storage?
silent ivory and bone?
I thought "overhead" and "chiselled" ought to be end words, so I messed about a bit
Those tusks had once hung overhead
like strokes of thunder chiselled
from a cloud of grey marble
headstones at the grave
I think the rest of the poem is an improvement on what you had before. Though I don't understand "passing teeth".
Semi-colon after crown?
keeps locked in drawers - sounds a bit ugly somehow to me. keeps in storage?
silent ivory and bone?
I thought "overhead" and "chiselled" ought to be end words, so I messed about a bit
Those tusks had once hung overhead
like strokes of thunder chiselled
from a cloud of grey marble
headstones at the grave
I think the rest of the poem is an improvement on what you had before. Though I don't understand "passing teeth".
Semi-colon after crown?
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.