07-11-2012, 04:57 PM
Ah. It's okay if they were meant to be parenthetical then, but the ellipsis then followed by the dashes was not that smooth a read for me. The flow of ideas break away twice, too soon, and i found it distracting in reading. It may not be a problem for others though 
There's nothing really wrong with "leak away", but I assumed because of the phrasing that it was meant to echo "whitewashed away" later in the poem. To me whitewashed (grass) and faded (years) complement as ideas, while leaking (innocence) gives off a very different vibe.
I prefer "sharp as a blade" myself, but only offered the question because it referred to the plural form "memories...have all been" etc. That may be taking the grammar too far though
There's nothing really wrong with "leak away", but I assumed because of the phrasing that it was meant to echo "whitewashed away" later in the poem. To me whitewashed (grass) and faded (years) complement as ideas, while leaking (innocence) gives off a very different vibe.
I prefer "sharp as a blade" myself, but only offered the question because it referred to the plural form "memories...have all been" etc. That may be taking the grammar too far though
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?