07-11-2012, 07:32 AM
Hi Erthona. I'm new round these parts, so I thought I'd start by commenting on a fresh poem.
It's a poem full of yearning, but the right side of sentimentality. The strong sense of 'loss' suggested by the title, and the mention of 'innocence' bring Milton to mind. A quick check of the forum shows me another poem of yours called 'Bethlehem', so I presume there is some religious motivation behind the poem. This seems to be confirmed by the mention of 'St Augustine' later in the poem, which you gloss as a type of grass, but the real man was famous for his philosophy of Christianity, of course. Interesting, Wikipedia tells me he also coined the phrase 'original sin' - which takes us back to the garden of Eden (and Milton), in which there was of course an apple - as we have here in line 7, albeit in a pie. The mention of 'grass' also takes on Edenic connotations. So arguably, the narrator of the poem is a modern day Adam.
That's the content of the poem, but what of its form? You'll excuse me as this is one of my first posts, but as this is the 'serious critique' section, I found the poem's form the real problem. The punctuation in the first few lines is unnecessary and distracting; the second line is particularly weak. The lines themselves are flat and prosaic, and the whole poem strikes me as being of the 'cut-up prose' sort. And, the religious connotations aside, the poem is pretty unremarkable in what it's saying. There are a few nice phrases: the 'apple pie day', the mention of the grass and the memories having been 'whitewashed'. This makes for an ending which at first struck me as neat, until I realised it's also a pun, so ends on the wrong note for a poem which is otherwise expressing sorrow at the loss of cherished memories.
Perhaps it needs a few more telling details... although this might be difficult to expand as the narrator no longer has these memories, so obviously can't discuss them in detail! But maybe this philosophical response could have been triggered by something seen in reality. I'm just trying to suggest possible ways of developing the poem. Maybe if you could ground the poem a bit more, that might help. I think that's what's missing. 'In some places' is a bit vague. Anyway, I hope you find that of some use. Thanks, dm.
It's a poem full of yearning, but the right side of sentimentality. The strong sense of 'loss' suggested by the title, and the mention of 'innocence' bring Milton to mind. A quick check of the forum shows me another poem of yours called 'Bethlehem', so I presume there is some religious motivation behind the poem. This seems to be confirmed by the mention of 'St Augustine' later in the poem, which you gloss as a type of grass, but the real man was famous for his philosophy of Christianity, of course. Interesting, Wikipedia tells me he also coined the phrase 'original sin' - which takes us back to the garden of Eden (and Milton), in which there was of course an apple - as we have here in line 7, albeit in a pie. The mention of 'grass' also takes on Edenic connotations. So arguably, the narrator of the poem is a modern day Adam.
That's the content of the poem, but what of its form? You'll excuse me as this is one of my first posts, but as this is the 'serious critique' section, I found the poem's form the real problem. The punctuation in the first few lines is unnecessary and distracting; the second line is particularly weak. The lines themselves are flat and prosaic, and the whole poem strikes me as being of the 'cut-up prose' sort. And, the religious connotations aside, the poem is pretty unremarkable in what it's saying. There are a few nice phrases: the 'apple pie day', the mention of the grass and the memories having been 'whitewashed'. This makes for an ending which at first struck me as neat, until I realised it's also a pun, so ends on the wrong note for a poem which is otherwise expressing sorrow at the loss of cherished memories.
Perhaps it needs a few more telling details... although this might be difficult to expand as the narrator no longer has these memories, so obviously can't discuss them in detail! But maybe this philosophical response could have been triggered by something seen in reality. I'm just trying to suggest possible ways of developing the poem. Maybe if you could ground the poem a bit more, that might help. I think that's what's missing. 'In some places' is a bit vague. Anyway, I hope you find that of some use. Thanks, dm.