07-10-2012, 01:31 PM
wow, quite a rapid response. a quick thank you to everyone; i see potential with this, but it's really taken a lot of scrubbing. I think the revision may make things easier in the process. have really considered what everyone has said, thanks for the time.
-addy
hope to have addressed the white on white comparison, as well as the last stanza
-indie
hope to have kept the integrity of the last stanza but in an improved form. agreed with the other comments, though the "contradictory" bit on the images in the second stanza eluded me a bit
-billy
completely different take on the last stanza; hope to have addressed the old problems, but probably introduced some new ones
-tec
i admit the first revision was a quick band-aid for some issues i saw in the early stanzas
-ray
agree; the length of the line was a real detraction for the piece and made it less enjoyable. i hope the new version is a step in the right direction
-todd
i kept photographs, though your point is extremely valid. if it is still a bother, i can consider further, but for now i wanted to focus on more urgent changes. i think i was able to keep a number of the stronger lines or at least their sentiments, though i may be wrong on all counts. i think you get the same feeling i do from the title. this feels like it should be something, and i really want to get it there. it's been quite a wrestling match, though, which i guess is fitting. this piece is sucking days from me...literally
-addy
hope to have addressed the white on white comparison, as well as the last stanza
-indie
hope to have kept the integrity of the last stanza but in an improved form. agreed with the other comments, though the "contradictory" bit on the images in the second stanza eluded me a bit
-billy
completely different take on the last stanza; hope to have addressed the old problems, but probably introduced some new ones
-tec
i admit the first revision was a quick band-aid for some issues i saw in the early stanzas
-ray
agree; the length of the line was a real detraction for the piece and made it less enjoyable. i hope the new version is a step in the right direction
-todd
i kept photographs, though your point is extremely valid. if it is still a bother, i can consider further, but for now i wanted to focus on more urgent changes. i think i was able to keep a number of the stronger lines or at least their sentiments, though i may be wrong on all counts. i think you get the same feeling i do from the title. this feels like it should be something, and i really want to get it there. it's been quite a wrestling match, though, which i guess is fitting. this piece is sucking days from me...literally
Written only for you to consider.