What Elephants Remember

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

Sorry I've come so late to this...either way here are some comments for you:

I love the title. That said, and this may fully just be me, I want the poem to deliver more emotional power. I feel like it needs more specificity to have the payoff it needs.

v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy

Matriarchs may store the most--consider dropping the may your opening needs to be more authoritative
in their cerebellum drawers:--I'm not fond of cerebellum drawers. It feels a little too forced (IMO)
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'--photographs feels a little off here too much of a man thing than the way an elephant would remember. Even if you are slipping into metaphor it's a bit too abrupt
bone and silent ivory,--lovely line just beautiful
white as marble torn from mines.--I wonder if you could rephrase this idea above the previous line so that you could end S1 with "bone and silent ivory" it's simply a more evocative way to tie it up

--I think S2 and S3 should probably be combined.

To a calf, those tusks had hung--you may not need had
in the air like strokes of thunder--love this
chiseled from a cloud, only--again maybe just me but I'd break on cloud it's a strong image and while I would normally break the line as you have done, it just feels off like it robs something from the image...oh, and I do like chiseled being pared with cloud it expresses permanence in a memory

to unravel into plated
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with--stronger than may perhaps will
names for every body buried--love this...one option is to italicize a short litany of some names that sound like they could be what elephants might call each other...just a thought
in the softened grass, not knowing--wonderful line...I love in the softened grass and the break on not knowing and how that plays against the title
how it hurts to forget, too.--please drop the too...end on forget it would be stronger.

A lot of opinion in there I know. I hope some of it will be helpful to you. Tons of potential with this one.

Best,

Todd