07-10-2012, 07:09 AM
Hello Geoff. The first verse is lovely, except I think it would be so much better if it ended on a word like marble, rather than mines.
I like chiseled/unravel/adult. The rest I don't like so much. You've got a pretty long sentence there, 9 lines. A semi-colon after cloud would help, maybe after adult too. There doesn't seem to be much justification for ending a line on "with". Actually, you ought to revisit several of the line-breaks in that last verse, I think.
I like chiseled/unravel/adult. The rest I don't like so much. You've got a pretty long sentence there, 9 lines. A semi-colon after cloud would help, maybe after adult too. There doesn't seem to be much justification for ending a line on "with". Actually, you ought to revisit several of the line-breaks in that last verse, I think.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.