07-10-2012, 12:32 AM
@Philatone
Haha it definitely isn't a rhyming poem, that is just coincidence. I hope it doesn't set expectations?
It is meant to have an almost advertisement-like undertone to it. Maybe I should make that more obvious, because clearly it isn't being understood as a purposeful choice of language. The S2L2 line is just supporting the image of the brown sea, it isn't an image on it's own. It's just simply stating that the sea is brown because of human waste (toxic and sewage and rubbish tipping), because of human indifference. I can see what you mean about using a similie or metaphor for the brown sea, though. If I can think of something, I will. Have you any suggestions maybe?
The romantic walk is meant to be based on cliche... Again it's the advertising undertone. I really thought it was noticably intentional, bummer. I guess that shows that what the poets perception is can be hugely different to the audience. I will try and weave in more of the "advertising language" so it becomes more obvious. You make a good point about the girl not speaking to anyone, I will cut that out in the edit.
Thanks for the advice! Will think it over.
@addy
It is redundant to crush particles, you are right. I will cut that out when I edit... Not sure what I was getting at there haha.
The glass line can be cut, but I like the sterile paradise line too much to cut it. As the poem is meant to be like a cynical mocking advertisement of a dystopic sci-fi future beach, I want to keep in all of the lines that I used to try and make it seem that way... Although it's not looking too good since no-one seems to understand the concept. I'm a bit gutted because I've never really experimented with this sort of poetry before and I was happy with myself for trying out a new area - I typically write about individuals experiences, drug use and the like. But I guess that's part of the learning process, you have to fail sometimes to give you the push you need to succeed and improve. I kind of knew this would need a lot of ripping and reshaping but I thought the subject itself was understandable and I'm at a loss as to how I can make it more so. Do I pack in more lines to try and make it obviously a voice mocking an advertisement? Or give up and change that completely?
I like all your suggestions for line shortening and such, thanks a lot! You've given really helpful input. I'll do a big edit soon.
@billy
Mmm, I don't really get what you mean by the first few lines don't agree with the last few lines of that stanza. Could you possibly elaborate please? I'm not saying I disagree I just genuinely don't understand what you mean.
I'll add the comma, thanks for point that out. I'll try out cutting those words and see how it looks.
I don't quite get your "whys" either - do you mean, why take that walk? Why try the holiday? Because the voice is being sarcastic. To me, it's obvious, but since you're not the only one to miss the sarcasm, I clearly messed up here. I don't know how to make it sound more sarcastic... Any advice? I'm really at a loss.
I don't want to cut it by 50% but I am willing to hack a small part of it away. I'm not one for cutting up poetry unless it reeeeeally is too long. I prefer changing lines which don't work to removing them, because essentially there is a message I want to get across and I don't want to lose any of that message. I really get where you are coming from, there are definitely some parts that need heavier editting, but I want the message left entirely intact. Big thanks for the feedback!
Haha it definitely isn't a rhyming poem, that is just coincidence. I hope it doesn't set expectations?
It is meant to have an almost advertisement-like undertone to it. Maybe I should make that more obvious, because clearly it isn't being understood as a purposeful choice of language. The S2L2 line is just supporting the image of the brown sea, it isn't an image on it's own. It's just simply stating that the sea is brown because of human waste (toxic and sewage and rubbish tipping), because of human indifference. I can see what you mean about using a similie or metaphor for the brown sea, though. If I can think of something, I will. Have you any suggestions maybe?
The romantic walk is meant to be based on cliche... Again it's the advertising undertone. I really thought it was noticably intentional, bummer. I guess that shows that what the poets perception is can be hugely different to the audience. I will try and weave in more of the "advertising language" so it becomes more obvious. You make a good point about the girl not speaking to anyone, I will cut that out in the edit.
Thanks for the advice! Will think it over.
@addy
It is redundant to crush particles, you are right. I will cut that out when I edit... Not sure what I was getting at there haha.
The glass line can be cut, but I like the sterile paradise line too much to cut it. As the poem is meant to be like a cynical mocking advertisement of a dystopic sci-fi future beach, I want to keep in all of the lines that I used to try and make it seem that way... Although it's not looking too good since no-one seems to understand the concept. I'm a bit gutted because I've never really experimented with this sort of poetry before and I was happy with myself for trying out a new area - I typically write about individuals experiences, drug use and the like. But I guess that's part of the learning process, you have to fail sometimes to give you the push you need to succeed and improve. I kind of knew this would need a lot of ripping and reshaping but I thought the subject itself was understandable and I'm at a loss as to how I can make it more so. Do I pack in more lines to try and make it obviously a voice mocking an advertisement? Or give up and change that completely?
I like all your suggestions for line shortening and such, thanks a lot! You've given really helpful input. I'll do a big edit soon.
@billy
Mmm, I don't really get what you mean by the first few lines don't agree with the last few lines of that stanza. Could you possibly elaborate please? I'm not saying I disagree I just genuinely don't understand what you mean.
I'll add the comma, thanks for point that out. I'll try out cutting those words and see how it looks.
I don't quite get your "whys" either - do you mean, why take that walk? Why try the holiday? Because the voice is being sarcastic. To me, it's obvious, but since you're not the only one to miss the sarcasm, I clearly messed up here. I don't know how to make it sound more sarcastic... Any advice? I'm really at a loss.
I don't want to cut it by 50% but I am willing to hack a small part of it away. I'm not one for cutting up poetry unless it reeeeeally is too long. I prefer changing lines which don't work to removing them, because essentially there is a message I want to get across and I don't want to lose any of that message. I really get where you are coming from, there are definitely some parts that need heavier editting, but I want the message left entirely intact. Big thanks for the feedback!