Future Beach

[billy]

posting poetry is one of the few reasons we're here : sorry for not getting back to it sooner

i think it has too much fat on its bones and wouldn't go amiss having some liposuction

I apologise for posting another poem so soon, but this one just fell out of me today and I really want to work it into something good.

I fear it doesn't have much rhythm, and it's also the first non-rhyming poem I've done in a while. I am worried it doesn't all connect together well. So please be as harsh as you like! I want to turn it into something good.

some of lines don't feel logical. 1, 2, and 3 don't jibe with lines 4, 5, and 6.

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Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak, 1
where processed plastic particles
are crushed to make the sand. 2
It's a stark and white sterile paradise, 3
be careful where you put your feet,
for the ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste, 4
and beneath lie broken sharp debris 5
or sometimes shards of glass. 6

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference,
waves rising claw desperate at the shore, good image, comma after rising
the pale seafoam horses now form nightmares.i like this image, could do without 'the' and 'now' we were already told it's the future.
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals, why?
then sit and watch the sunset bleed. good image

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acid rain down on the ground,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday, why?
crouched in fetal position,
soak silently in ultra-violet rays,
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury eachother alive. each other

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,
she starts talking, but not to anyone
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine.

there are a lot of whys to some of the questions posed and i'm not sure they work. there's a poem in here but it's buried under the flotsam. you could do better than to cut 50 percent away. use the parts that really matter.

example:

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,

a skull and crossbones state;
'surf at your own risk'
where girl walks along the beach, (just an example.)

thanks for the read.