07-09-2012, 02:26 PM
(07-09-2012, 09:15 AM)Philatone Wrote: v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy
Matriarchs may store the most IMO the word "may" weakens this line, like the short version of maybe
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble torn from mines. white isn't needed, as it's assumed that bones and ivory are white, so therefore the marble will be white to. I envisioned white without being told it
To a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder I like these lines but IMO I find them a little contradictory in the imagery used
chiseled from a cloud, only
to unravel into plated
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too. enjoyed the ending. No nits here![]()
"Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them." - Friedrich Nietzsche

