Future Beach

[addy]

Don't apologize for posting poems, we love seeing them around

You've got lots of images that stand alone great, but some that are repetitive or not really noteworthy. Trim away those lines and focus on hacking away at a few choice details in order to build a starker, more unnerving dystopic picture. Choose which cuts and blows would make the most impact in the mind's eye. Everything else that's not as interesting can be safely left to ambiguity and imagination.

-----------------


Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak,
where processed plastic particles I think it's redundant to crush particles (they're already small), so maybe you mean something else
are crushed to make the sand.
It's a stark and white sterile paradise, Not sure if you need this line
be careful where you put your feet,
for the ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste,
and beneath lie broken sharp debris
or sometimes shards of glass. nor this

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference,
waves rising claw desperate at the shore,
the pale seafoam horses now form nightmares. I found this image interesting (made me think sickly green, ala the apocalypse horseman)
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty too many adjectives? spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals,
then sit and watch the sunset bleed.

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acid rain down on the ground,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday,
crouched in fetal position,
soak silently in ultra-violet rays, I feel you can up the dramatic ante here, beyond "soak silently"... it's verging on radiation-level creepy but you didn't quite take it there
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury each other alive. This could probably be shortened, and given more bite: "As wide-eyed children build refuse castles and bury each other alive".... would you also be amenable to "blinded children or something of the ilk?

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath ... a little predictable, maybe there's a way to make it more macabre in keeping with he holiday theme
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,
she starts talking, but not to anyone
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine. I like these last lines.

Thanks very much for the read