07-09-2012, 08:21 AM
hey jacko!
-not sure if you need the first-person in the piece (all those I's, me's, and my's). the concept feels too detached for it
-I like the frenetic pace and energy, carried by the quick thoughts of stream-of-consciousness. i think it captures the tone well
-the abstractions used hurt the read for me because they left me lost. the meaning that i think you want to convey gets jumbled in a forest of text (e.g., how are your friends "synthetic"? what is a "featureless face?). I would assume nothing from the reader. when the time came for explanations...there were none to be found
-i think you have the content and concept (atmosphere is fine, tone is great); i think the search for words to capture your idea has taken you beyond what you can control on paper. shortening the piece, trimming excess may provide more of a backbone to work with
I hope some of this is helpful
(07-06-2012, 05:28 AM)jacko94 Wrote: This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?some quick thoughts:
Mind Battle
Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out,
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop,
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step,
The individual mind of feet and arms.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.
Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.
-not sure if you need the first-person in the piece (all those I's, me's, and my's). the concept feels too detached for it
-I like the frenetic pace and energy, carried by the quick thoughts of stream-of-consciousness. i think it captures the tone well
-the abstractions used hurt the read for me because they left me lost. the meaning that i think you want to convey gets jumbled in a forest of text (e.g., how are your friends "synthetic"? what is a "featureless face?). I would assume nothing from the reader. when the time came for explanations...there were none to be found
-i think you have the content and concept (atmosphere is fine, tone is great); i think the search for words to capture your idea has taken you beyond what you can control on paper. shortening the piece, trimming excess may provide more of a backbone to work with
I hope some of this is helpful
Written only for you to consider.