Future Beach

[Philatone]

hey universal!
some thoughts

I apologise for posting another poem so soon, but this one just fell out of me today and I really want to work it into something good.

I fear it doesn't have much rhythm, and it's also the first non-rhyming poem I've done in a while. I am worried it doesn't all connect together well. So please be as harsh as you like! I want to turn it into something good.

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Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak,...not a rhyming poem? the first two lines begin to suggest otherwise
where processed plastic particles
are crushed to make the sand.
It's a stark and white sterile paradise,
be careful where you put your feet,
for the ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste,
and beneath lie broken sharp debris
or sometimes shards of glass.

...ok, it reads like a news report. until now, it is almost as if prose would be a stronger form than poetry. my guess is that your intentions and ideas right now are very large and you want to convey everything. in doing so, the details you do post get the shaft; nothing receives enough focus. i'm floating from one idea to the next too quickly to develop any sort of connection to them. you have made a large, but shallow, pool

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference, ...what does this look like? I am at a loss
waves rising claw desperate at the shore,...i think this is the strongest line of the stanza, but it is flirting with old and used ideas
the pale seafoam horses now form nightmares.
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across...a bit cliche, romantic walk. make it new
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals,
then sit and watch the sunset bleed.
...this gets closer to the focus that the first stanza needs. it pays attention to the water. still, this is not enough. I'm being told too much. For example, the first line gives me nothing to imagine. "The sea comes in many shades of brown" is a great opportunity to use simile, metaphor, or some kind of image that a reader would not expect. The reader needs to connect with, to relate to, what is being said. Try to introduce experiences into it, rather than relying on colors alone (speaking about the first line in particular). As is, the line does give information, but does so without much flair or soul.

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acid rain down on the ground,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday,
crouched in fetal position,
soak silently in ultra-violet rays,
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury eachother alive.

A sign states 'surf at your own risk' ...I like the specificity of the sign
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,
she starts talking, but not to anyone..."but not to anyone" is clear in the "she is passed by" a couple of lines down. I don't think you need it
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine.

my comments for the rest of the poem were really summed up by what i wrote in the line-by. you have a world here. perhaps it has been too condensed and bit too dramatic for what you need. I would pick one stanza to really hone and chisel away at (maybe the second?). i hope a little of this can be helpful