07-09-2012, 05:36 AM
Thanks, Dale. He is married, yes, very much a married relationship. I fear double jeopardy will have to go - as you say, it needs something to place it in context and I don't have or want the space.
Tectak. "I think you are trying to say something simple and interesting in a difficult and complicated way." Actually, just the opposite. I wanted summat tight, snappy, lean and that's what I've got. It would be great if it made total sense to everyone but....
First 2 lines, though, I rather like. I think, in the context of the rest of the poem, they set a scene and describe a relationship. But, as you imply, they'd maybe be better in the body of the poem rather than the mouth.
I should put a comma after hide and seek. Linoleum - we're in the 20s but could be 60s, 70s, I guess.
"Great lines but why flame?,Why cameleon? Why bitter?"Are you serious? Seems fairly straightforward to me and I can't be explaining everything!
And thanks for the comments. I like to hear how others perceive my stuff. Don't mean I have to agree with 'em!But I shall have a think about the start of the poem.
Tectak. "I think you are trying to say something simple and interesting in a difficult and complicated way." Actually, just the opposite. I wanted summat tight, snappy, lean and that's what I've got. It would be great if it made total sense to everyone but....
First 2 lines, though, I rather like. I think, in the context of the rest of the poem, they set a scene and describe a relationship. But, as you imply, they'd maybe be better in the body of the poem rather than the mouth.
I should put a comma after hide and seek. Linoleum - we're in the 20s but could be 60s, 70s, I guess.
"Great lines but why flame?,Why cameleon? Why bitter?"Are you serious? Seems fairly straightforward to me and I can't be explaining everything!
And thanks for the comments. I like to hear how others perceive my stuff. Don't mean I have to agree with 'em!But I shall have a think about the start of the poem.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.