07-06-2012, 10:51 PM
I'd start off like this
How to describe these fucked-up days
trapped in this serotonin haze
Then scrap all the 4 line asides and meditations, they really aren't helping. Then tidy up the rest, try more interesting rhymes, for instance
Being poor with lots of debt - sorry, it sounds juvenile
Shouldering a sack of debt
shagging someone with regret
It's than they will give - not then.
If it were mine I'd remove the punctuation, too, give it more of a list look.
How to describe these fucked-up days
trapped in this serotonin haze
Then scrap all the 4 line asides and meditations, they really aren't helping. Then tidy up the rest, try more interesting rhymes, for instance
Being poor with lots of debt - sorry, it sounds juvenile
Shouldering a sack of debt
shagging someone with regret
It's than they will give - not then.
If it were mine I'd remove the punctuation, too, give it more of a list look.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.