Mind battle

[tectak]

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?
Some little line by liners but go to end
Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out, to many commas lead to comas. I am being lulled already. Make a sentence, do
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop, blankety blank....repeated descriptions to be wordy. No other merit. drop the blank.
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,each and every cliche
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know, what is this fifth sense that you know that I don't know, or do you not know
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step, Lonely pavement, single paving stone....not really clear enough or even relevant enough to use this line. There may be others I fear.
The individual mind of feet and arms.Almost makes a point(s) here. I think I know what you mean if it is the autonomic nature of movement but you don't link the the line to anything, so it is just cast adrift.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,Why "in in "? why not "on on"?
Fear like daylight nightmare,This is probably not a cliche but it will be. The (night)mare bit makes (day)light a little difficult.
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,What is mass's? Is it masses? Who are they. Clarify or omit for me
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right, I am now completely lost. If that is your intention...result!
Two seconds, one.If if I now read to the end I am just bored by the hippy-trippyness of the whole thing. This type of thing has had its day....back in '73. It may be new to some but to me it is old hat. There are more things out there than can be imagined.....and they are real
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.

Hi Jacko,
Well, this is quite a shopping list!
No point in a full line by line particularly as you specifically asked how to make it better.....specifically then, DON'T!

OVERVIEW
That's not a harsh comment. I will try to explain. What you have here is a shopping bag STUFFED to bursting. The trouble is you've mixed the fish and the flowers, the cream and the creosote, the herbicide and the honey. You need to tip everything out on to a clean surface and get sorting. It is all very well to write this kind of "disassociated" stuff and expect the reader to link it all together for you, but that's not what writing as a discipline is all about. It may be a shock, but the onus of validity is with you, the writer.
So....as long as you are victim to these random peregrinations you will always have a wealth of subject matter to deal with BUT if you want to write down something which CAN BE IMPROVED UPON, you must commit to some ethos or set of rules......that is, though, ONLY if you want to improve a piece of work.
You have some excellent, if burgeoning thoughts. There is a feeling that, like many before you writing synaptically ( especially when such thinking is modified by interesting chemical stimulants), what you think can be written down, should be written down and it will be GREAT! It never is. This piece needs controlling by a sentient being. Is that you?
Best,
tectak[/b]