a story of love

[billy]

point 1 or two things out in the body of the poem in mild crit forum.
the line by line is for serious crit only

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sorry i got to this one late way2.

The twilight slowly sets the isn't needed
As the love slowly fades as the, isn't needed
A love we both fought for
Where impending loss was known
Our hands hold each other in their embrace
As we watch the sun set
Shadows climb the hills we stand on
Watching the hill slip beneath a sea of darkness
Shadows lap at our feet
As I take a last look into your eyes
I see sadness in those soft brown, tear stricken eyes
And my heart breaks for the last time
Just before the light before us goes out
And we are plunged into darkness
As yet another chapter closes
On the story of love

thanks guys.

one of the main problems you have way2; is cliche. a lot of what you wrote has been written many times before in much the same way. we all went through this phase of writing things how we read them and not how we saw them (though we do often see things the same way ) the trick is to add a new slant to the image, say it in a way that's not been done before.

the problem is a lack of images, everything is told to us. you need to show it to us (with an image) ie;
And we are plunged into darkness could be;
and we drop like wishes into the black well just an example which could be better.

take out all the small words and add some original images. love poems are notoriously difficult to write in a fresh way.

thanks for the read.