Mind battle

[billy]

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?

Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out,
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop,
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step,
The individual mind of feet and arms.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.

try and give it some structure. at present it feels too overwhelming. the reader struggles to actually read it with comprehension. i can't believe i'm saying this but add a few packing words and split the lines so the reader can catch their breathe

things like 'by the masses' reads better as 'en masse' chech where else you can simply the narration.
you know what you mean at present it's very hard for the reader to decipher. write as an essay then do the poetics keeping it as simple as you can. the poem's in there you just need to unwrap it.

thanks for the read, and great to see you posting.