07-05-2012, 08:39 PM
@billy
Maybe it's a sub-cultural difference, but smashed means wasted/hammered/trollied/spangled/muntered/gurning like when you're doing uppers, whereas tripping is doing mushrooms/acid.
I changed the man line to getting caught, erased the pan line. I miss the pan line though haha. Could I replace some of the four liners with another big stanza or would that be overkill? I don't want to lose the context too much though.
@tectak
I like your suggestion, actually. It still expresses what I'm trying to say.
It's meant to be chav-chat! Or at least, it's meant to sound "common" - I get what you mean though. I might change that line because it grates me a bit too.
"It" is what the whole poem is about. It's a poem about dissatisfaction and depression, the complexity of deep thoughts and the inability to express them. It's difficult to explain but I'm trying my best here.
On the "they" thing... It's just meant to express the dissatisfaction you get with people who take but don't give.
Some of your advice I will be taking on, others not, thanks a lot for your input and feedback!
Did another edit. Cut out some bits, changed others.
Maybe it's a sub-cultural difference, but smashed means wasted/hammered/trollied/spangled/muntered/gurning like when you're doing uppers, whereas tripping is doing mushrooms/acid.
I changed the man line to getting caught, erased the pan line. I miss the pan line though haha. Could I replace some of the four liners with another big stanza or would that be overkill? I don't want to lose the context too much though.
@tectak
I like your suggestion, actually. It still expresses what I'm trying to say.
It's meant to be chav-chat! Or at least, it's meant to sound "common" - I get what you mean though. I might change that line because it grates me a bit too.
"It" is what the whole poem is about. It's a poem about dissatisfaction and depression, the complexity of deep thoughts and the inability to express them. It's difficult to explain but I'm trying my best here.
On the "they" thing... It's just meant to express the dissatisfaction you get with people who take but don't give.
Some of your advice I will be taking on, others not, thanks a lot for your input and feedback!
Did another edit. Cut out some bits, changed others.