07-05-2012, 04:30 PM
@addy
The small four-line stanzas just exist to give it all some context. Otherwise it's just strings of metaphors, you know? And the two-liners are meant to connect them. I might try switching it round when I edit to see if that makes more sense. I see what you mean about them being a bit vague and generic though. I'm not going to get rid of them, but I will try and fix them up. Thanks for the input!
@billy
Yeah I'll delete that bit and let people guess it for themselves. I worry that people won't get where I am coming from.
It is a bit weak, I might swap the four and two-liner arounds. Haha yoda speak :x Point taken. I'll change that in the edit. I agree with you about the serotonin line going first.
Thanks for the spelling correction, I'm sure I knew that hah. I know what you mean about that man line, it is meant to be a bit cliche and "hip" because the voice is young. And yes, people definitely still say "the man" - either that, or maybe me and my friends are all outdated, because someone the other day said "tripping" was retro and I use it all the time! To describe tripping anyway. If I think of a better line I will edit it though. Got a suggestion?
I don't want to swipe too much, but I do think I need to re-write a lot of the small stanzas because they are too generic and weak for the poem. Or, if I do edit them out, I would replace it with more of the others. Thank-you very much for reading & giving feedback, I really appreciate what you say and even though I don't want to cut it up too badly (yet anyway) I totally understand what you mean.
The small four-line stanzas just exist to give it all some context. Otherwise it's just strings of metaphors, you know? And the two-liners are meant to connect them. I might try switching it round when I edit to see if that makes more sense. I see what you mean about them being a bit vague and generic though. I'm not going to get rid of them, but I will try and fix them up. Thanks for the input!
@billy
Yeah I'll delete that bit and let people guess it for themselves. I worry that people won't get where I am coming from.
It is a bit weak, I might swap the four and two-liner arounds. Haha yoda speak :x Point taken. I'll change that in the edit. I agree with you about the serotonin line going first.
Thanks for the spelling correction, I'm sure I knew that hah. I know what you mean about that man line, it is meant to be a bit cliche and "hip" because the voice is young. And yes, people definitely still say "the man" - either that, or maybe me and my friends are all outdated, because someone the other day said "tripping" was retro and I use it all the time! To describe tripping anyway. If I think of a better line I will edit it though. Got a suggestion?
I don't want to swipe too much, but I do think I need to re-write a lot of the small stanzas because they are too generic and weak for the poem. Or, if I do edit them out, I would replace it with more of the others. Thank-you very much for reading & giving feedback, I really appreciate what you say and even though I don't want to cut it up too badly (yet anyway) I totally understand what you mean.