Bleach

[billy]

Very fresh raw write. If I could play guitar I would probably turn this into a song. Alas, I am a poet, not a musician. [that's what we all say ]

I like most of it, but a few lines feel off to me. It is meant to be have a sense of being said by someone as a string of thought rather then being particularly articulate and ornate in form. I don't normally swear in poetry but I felt it fitted this. the words in bold above, really do take away something from the poem that the reader needs to discover for themselves. by telling us what you intend the poem to be/do you create a kind of anti climax and if you fail to bring the goods it fails a lot more.

This is dissatisfaction. this line leaves me out on a limb.

----

Sometimes it's true,
these thoughts of you,
never will I understand,
still I try to withstand. a weak starting verse with yoda speak on the 3rd line.

How to describe how I feel some days,
trapped in this serotonin fucked haze... now this would make a great opener, it has strength and lends to the readers imagination. good lines.

Like when milk curdles in your tea,
trying too hard to feel carefree,
smelling piss on the subway train,
getting stuck for hours in the rain.
It's the bird shit on your coat,
and the flem stuck in your throat, phlegm (i love that word)
cleaning burnt bits off the pan,
or getting caught out by the man. it feels forced this line spoils the verse a little. feels too "jive" man, do people still use that phrase, ('the man' is cliche) i really like some of the imagery in the the rest of the verse, the originality is solid

I want to shut my eyes,
pretend that I am wise,
hope my words make sense,
this doubt held in suspense. fluff verse that adds less than a little to two strong verses.

Such moments can fast become lost,
I start to wonder what it might cost... these lines feel too hall mark very weak.

Weekends fucking with your head,
finding out your cat is dead,
seeing fat when you are thin,
feeling shit in your own skin.
Losing even though you tried,
passing thoughts of suicide,
faking a smile when you feel shit,
the day you learn that this it. see...here again you get some good images going, it has emotives that work as well.

Life can be so good,
I suppose that it should,
most problems self create,
born out of lies or hate.

Trying to figure out what love might mean,
when all emotions turn confused and obscene... is and needed?

Becoming stuck with lots of debt,
shagging someone with regret, i've done so many times but even ugly girls need sex (good line)
having to work on your birthday,
the stink of your own tooth decay.
It's that infected paper cut,
or that shit feeling in your gut,
like not knowing how to really live,
and wanting more then they will give. another solid verse.

I think most of us just want to be free,
such a shame that we can't seem to see,
because the cage is of nothing real,
it's only our fear and poor ideal. and a very weak finish with this verse.

i like it a lot. i think you need to get rid of chorus type verses as i see them as being very weak. the song thing at the top of the page doesn't make me like them any more than i don't. some (lots) of good strong lines in the piece. i think this is the best poem of yours i've read so far.
i like the way the misery is extended throughout the poem. i do think it would read gazillions better without the 2 liners and 4 liners. the 1st two liner is okay though and would make a solid foundation on which to start the poem.

thanks for the read.