soulstice edit 1 billy, erthona

[tectak]

I think that is much better. Now maybe focus on tightening and clarifying the images, so they worked to build the energy by creating a greater smoothness to each line.

I offer some suggestion in the areas of the first stanza. I don't offer these as superior, just as alternatives for areas I see as problematic. Such as "blinking earth". I'm not sure that "pulsing" is any better than blinking, but I know blinking will not do. Blinking conjures up too much the image of a flashing traffic light. Just about any substitute I could think of seemed equally problematic. I don't have the time or the energy now to do more than the first stanza, nor would I if I did as i is not my intention to rewrite your poem. You may think1 of my suggestions as place holders until something better comes along, as a way of putting a section into a parenthetical stasis, so to speak.

However should you change nothing this is leaps above what you had before, and more clearly shows the potential it possesses.

Dale
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"Each dawn’s bright rise is but a turn, a cyclic twist of blinking earth;" to
Each dawn’s bright rise is a simple turn in the cyclic twist of pulsing earth;
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" The living count each passing day, clicked by a ratchet hooked by time." to
man counting each day by the click of a clockwork ratchet hooked in time.
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"But we below have run the race, and sense but seasons in our bones;"
We run time's race, but sense nothing longer than the seasons in our bones;
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"a winter comes, a summer next, spring and autumn barely touch."
winter and summer ofttimes come like a heavy stomping boot,
while the waifs of spring and fall, are gone before we realized they had come at all.
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"Lagging warmth, slow risen, peaks: then drains so gently into ground."
Lagging warmth slowly rises, peaks, then dwindles as it seeps softly into the ground
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Thanks Dale.
blinking-because it turns so fast in and out of days. Pulsing, I think, implies volumetric cycling.
sense nothing longer in our bones. No. sense nothing shorter. I am not making myself clear. Six feet down rapid changes above are not felt. The inertia of the grave only permits for slow changes to be sensed......like the damping of daily temperature variations by the oceanic volume. This is a crucial part of the piece in that it goes part way to explain the time extension after death in a less spiritual context. Epic fail, to use a hated vernacular.
The "lagging" warmth attempts to use both the meanings of the word.I don't need to explain, I know.
The rest will be digested.
Oh, and btb, the use of indefinite article before winter and summer is self explanatory after the aforegoing. We are talking eons not weekends here Indefinite time scale.

Best and hope all well your end. You are becoming pathologically pleasant. I only get that way when pissed or patronising