Bethlehem

[Philatone]

hey dale
i like the idea and parts of what happens, but overall the execution let me down a bit. i'll explain

.

I’m scopin’ it out...great intro to this, especially with the title and context
going ‘round about
up down and then...i don't get why this needs several lines to express
I’ll becoming in...i like the ending on "in". I wish it could play more off of the "inns" of the story
to Bethlehem.

There’s a fire in the sky
that admits no lie...the "that" stole some momentum from me
how then to get by...these rhymes begin to get heavy
when you wanna be him.... i get the informal tone ('im scoping it out'), but "wanna" did little for me
in Bethlehem.

Can you hear them sing
say they all have wings
it’s the new thing
unless you’ve been
to Bethlehem. ..like the idea of this stanza. the "say they all have wings" feels like it wants a subject to me. btw, you already used "to Bethlehem"; it feels like a piece that may want to alternate prepositions

cant help if im modern
so please beg my pardon
or talk to the warden...another area where the importance of these lines doesn't make itself clear to me
tell’em I have sinned
with Bethlehem.

©2012 –Erthona

the transitions between the stanzas feel weak; I think enhancing them would make the piece more cohesive. as is, the stanzas have a startling independence