Lilyism

[Philatone]

yo ray
some thoughts

Lily wakes up prematurely..."prematurely" didn't resonate much with me. personal preference
make-up lipstick powder nose ...for me, this second line does not flow as well as the other 2nd lines in the piece. there are a lot of strong accents. maybe "powdered" would make the line a bit gentler?

Lily pads and prowls the lounge
pirouettes expensive toes ...great!

Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose ...in terms of word choice, this stanza struck me the most with "askance," "knickers," and "decompose." I think the "looks askance" didn't flow as well as I would have liked ( Lily looks askance). again, entirely personal preference

Lily puts her records on
harmonising talent shows

Lily practises her smile
wearing pantomimic clothes

Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose

Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows ..."apostolic" is great

Lily snaps her fingers- snap!-
the boys adopt a slavish pose ...the "the" did little for me

Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goes...great couplet

nice piece to read; most of my comments are entirely personal so I apologize if they can't help you much. i enjoyed