07-03-2012, 10:43 AM
Thank you Penguin 
I'm surprised no one picked up belongs-belongings before. I half wrote this, on my phone, while at the park. I'll remedy verse two as well.
"On the ground" is needed in verse three as there was play equipment and seats and benches and a barbeque. The ducks could have been eating it off anything, and there is the subtext of us both looking down, sharing a moment.
(‘cause even the poor have pride) - is staying the way it is, and it's better than what I'd originally written. (I pondered and rewrote that line many times before I posted it here) A lot of people don't know that the poor just don't/won't take money that is handed to them regardless of their situation (homeless of not) which is why I bought the cigarette off her.
Last verse, we didn't straighten out the universe, nothing changed, nothing was solved. And thanks for the ending note. I like it.
Peace, Indie
I'm surprised no one picked up belongs-belongings before. I half wrote this, on my phone, while at the park. I'll remedy verse two as well. "On the ground" is needed in verse three as there was play equipment and seats and benches and a barbeque. The ducks could have been eating it off anything, and there is the subtext of us both looking down, sharing a moment.
(‘cause even the poor have pride) - is staying the way it is, and it's better than what I'd originally written. (I pondered and rewrote that line many times before I posted it here) A lot of people don't know that the poor just don't/won't take money that is handed to them regardless of their situation (homeless of not) which is why I bought the cigarette off her.
Last verse, we didn't straighten out the universe, nothing changed, nothing was solved. And thanks for the ending note. I like it.
Peace, Indie
"Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them." - Friedrich Nietzsche