07-02-2012, 08:41 PM
Hello Indie. It's a nice read, though the ending is a bit flat.
Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongs in the bushes at the park - is there such a noun as belongs? Maybe just "stash her belongings in the bushes"?
while I sat eating chips
She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I’m now watching her drink - isn't the tense wrong here?
and thinking how inappropriate it is
that I want to bum a smoke off her
when I have the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t even smoke)
We got talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground - don't think you need this line
Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe - straightened out the universe?
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride) - introduces a wrong note, I think
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
and a cigarette for me to break the month
since the last time I gave in to the lure - I'd end the poem on "I gave in"
of nicotine
Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongs in the bushes at the park - is there such a noun as belongs? Maybe just "stash her belongings in the bushes"?
while I sat eating chips
She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I’m now watching her drink - isn't the tense wrong here?
and thinking how inappropriate it is
that I want to bum a smoke off her
when I have the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t even smoke)
We got talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground - don't think you need this line
Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe - straightened out the universe?
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride) - introduces a wrong note, I think
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
and a cigarette for me to break the month
since the last time I gave in to the lure - I'd end the poem on "I gave in"
of nicotine
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.